79
IVAN
I slept like shit last night. I have no one but myself to blame.
That didn’t stop me from trying.
As I tossed and turned, I first started to blame Anya. It was her voice that kept ringing in my ears, after all. If you sacrifice yourself now when it’s no longer necessary, you aren’t a hero—you’re a coward.
I drag a hand down my face and reach for my coffee.
I decide to blame my father next. His personality ruled the house when we were younger. Anya and I were just kids and my mother’s soft, sweet nature didn’t stand a chance.
“You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others,” she said to me once. She was cutting back the peony bushes in the backyard, preparing them for winter. Elbows deep in dirt is where she was always happiest. Outside of the house.
Away from my father.
“That’s why I come out here every morning,” she continued. “I breathe in the morning air and feel at peace before the day starts. Which is why you need to get inside and back to bed.”
She wrinkled her nose, grinning as she swept six-year-old me back towards the patio.
I dug my heels into the ground. “But I want to help with the garden! I need to feel peace, too.”
My mom planted her hands on her hips and looked down at me. She couldn’t keep the smile from her face. “Just this once. Do you hear me? After today, you need to figure out your own way to find peace. In your room.”
I managed to cut back just one of the dozen peony bushes before my father stormed onto the patio and called me inside. Being six was no excuse to busy myself with “a woman’s work,” he snarled as he dragged me in by the scruff of the neck.
I look out over the lawn now. It looks so different than it used to. When Mom got sick, the bushes became overgrown. The lawn devolved into a tangled mess of vines and overflowing garden beds. Otets didn’t hire a gardener until after she died. The first thing they did was rip out the peony bushes. He never explained why he had them ripped out, but I knew.
They reminded him of her.
Now, a line of neat hedges borders the fence. I never gardened again after that day when I was six, but I think I managed to find my peace.
And then I let her walk away.
“God damn you, Anya,” I mutter.
The moment the words are out of my mouth, my phone starts to ring. I’m positive it’s my sister somehow sensing that she won this round and calling to gloat.
Then I pick up my phone and see her name instead.
Cora.
My instinct is to let it ring. I’ll call her later. Once I’ve figured out what the fuck I want to say. Better yet, I’ll talk to her in person. I’ll show up at Jorden’s and explain things.
I’ve almost convinced myself to let it go to voicemail, but then I snatch the phone up and answer.
Before I can say anything, Cora’s voice comes over the line. “Ivan?” My name comes out in a tremble, broken in her desperation.
I stand up on instinct. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay,” she says. “Have you talked to Yasha?”
I haven’t seen Yasha since he left yesterday. I asked him to drive Cora to Jorden’s apartment, but he knew better than to show up back here while the wound was fresh. Unlike my sister.
“Not today. What’s going on?”
“Yasha showed up and he can’t get in touch with the guards looking after Francia. Jorden and I both called her and she isn’t answering. I talked to her last night; she was fine. But then… I think something might have happened to her.”
Blyat. Yasha should have told me. He should have informed me of all of this immediately.
“Are you and Jorden safe?” I demand. “Where are you?”
“Yasha told us to stay at her apartment, but I wanted to call you. If I can do anything to save Francia, I want to do it. You were the only person I knew who might be able to do something.”
“Where did Yasha go?” I ask, even though I already know.
“He went to Francia’s.”
“Shit,” I hiss, shifting my phone to speaker so I can send a text to Yasha.
Don’t you fucking dare walk in there without me. That’s an order. Stand down.
“Are you worried?” Cora asks.
I want to lie and tell her it will all be fine. I want to ease her worries and keep her calm, but I can’t lie to her. Not anymore.
“Your friend goes missing one day after you leave my house and my bubble of protection… It’s a trap,” I say flatly. “Someone wants to draw you out. I don’t know who or why, but—”
“I might,” Cora squeaks.
“The more information I have right now, the better. Tell me everything.”
“I want to, but you have to promise you won’t be angry. Francia didn’t do anything wrong,” she says. “Whatever happens, you can’t do anything to her. It was all my fault. I asked her to do it.”
“Do what?” I growl.
“I asked Francia to look into Katerina’s disappearance.”
I frown. “What the fuck would she know about that?”
“Francia went to school with Katerina. Some rich private school. They were friends once, but she said they had a falling-out. Francia said she could ask around and try to figure out what happened.” Cora’s voice catches. “She probably asked the wrong person the wrong question—but it wasn’t her fault! She was doing it for me, so I’m the one you should be mad at. If someone has to be punished, let it be me. But save her. Please.”
The desperation in her voice wrecks me.
“Cora, I’m not going to hurt you. Or Francia. For fuck’s sake, that’s not who I am.”
“But Katerina…”
I made Katerina a promise. But I promised Cora something as well. I told Cora I would keep her safe. Right now, to keep that promise, I have to come clean. I have to reveal the secrets that drove her away from me and put her in danger. I have to do anything I can to get her back under my roof and in my arms.
“Katerina is fine.”
The line goes perfectly silent. I can feel Cora waiting on the other side. So I tell her what she needs to know.
“Katerina and I were pushed into an engagement by our fathers. It was a business relationship more than anything. After the deal I made with my father on Anya’s behalf, I was ready to hold up my end of the bargain. Until Katerina told me she didn’t want to marry me.”
I can still see Katerina trembling as we danced. We were taking our relationship public at some idiotic charity function, and she was a nervous wreck. Every time I touched her, she flinched away. All night long, she kept tossing nervous glances at her father. Konstantin was on the sidelines, scowling at her, threatening her to do as she was told. I pulled her aside and, after some coaxing, she confessed everything.
“Katerina didn’t want to get married to anyone,” I explain. “She didn’t even want to be part of this world, but her father wouldn’t let her go. She was the oldest of three girls. Her next sister was ten years younger, so it would be a long time before she was marrying age. Her father wanted to capitalize on every shot he had of securing his family’s status.”
“That’s disgusting,” Cora says in horror. “I didn’t even think people still thought that way.”
“A lot of things about this world are backwards,” I admit. “Katerina’s family most of all. I told Katerina I would call off the engagement. You might not believe this, but I had no interest in marrying someone who wasn’t willing. I never expected to find love with someone, but I wanted a partnership. I wanted someone who understood what I was offering and was prepared to offer the same in return. Since Katerina wasn’t, I was ready to end things and face whatever consequences came from ending the deal. But Katerina begged me not to. She said that her father would just force her into a marriage with someone else, someone worse. There was only one option: she needed to escape. So I—”
“You helped her,” Cora says quietly. “You took care of her.”
She finally understands what I meant yesterday.
“I took care of her,” I confirm. “I paid for Katerina to disappear and I haven’t told a soul. Except for Anya. And now, you.”
There’s a long pause before Cora blows out a breath. “I’m so sorry, Ivan. I should have trusted you.”
“You had no reason to trust me.”
“You think I had no reason to—? Ivan, you’ve saved my life over and over again. You made that deal with your dad to protect Anya. Everything you’ve done has been a reason for me to trust you, but as soon as I heard one thing that seemed suspicious, I ran.”
“And I let you.” I squeeze the phone tight, wishing more than anything that I was with her right now. That I could hold her. “I could have told you the truth right then and there, but I didn’t. I let you leave. And that is on me. All of this is on me.”
“You can’t take on the weight of the entire world by yourself.”
“It’s too late.” I shake my head. “I told you I’d keep you and your friends safe, but I let you leave. That was easier than letting myself trust you.”
“Why? Why don’t you want to trust me?”
“Because it isn’t safe for you. The closer you are to me, the more danger you’re in.”
She chuckles miserably. “Funny, because the only place I’ve ever felt safe is close to you.”
I grimace. I can’t stand when she says things like that. It makes me feel things in places I thought were long since dead. It’s almost enough to kill a coldhearted bastard.
“I should have listened to that part of me,” she continues. “I should have followed my gut and stayed with you. I’m so sorry, Ivan. For all of this.”
“Don’t apologize.”
“I know you want to take all of the blame, but some of it belongs to—”
“Don’t apologize yet,” I clarify. “Later, when this threat is neutralized, I’d like to hear you say it…on your knees.”
I can perfectly imagine the way she’s biting her lower lip. The fire that is burning in her green eyes as she says, “It’s a date.”
“First, I need to find your friend and get you home.” Home. With me, in my bed, in my house. “And Cora… you know I didn’t murder Katerina, but I need you to know something: I will kill anyone and everyone who gets between me and you. Any soul that lays a hand on you dies. I won’t hesitate and I won’t ask questions.”
I expect her to argue. I wait for her to tell me not to kill anyone for her.
But she doesn’t say that.
“I know you will, Ivan,” she says softly. “Please be careful.”
I can’t make that promise, so I don’t say anything as I end the call.