6 Hattie knows about secrets, never told anybody about the child she lost, the one she gave birth to when she was fourteen her small bosom was growing larger and more tender, her stomach was swelling, she was sick in the mornings Ma noticed, worked it out Bobby was the father, the most popular boy in the village school, he was tall with a head of white hair, the butcher's son boys paid Hattie no attention at all, so when this one did, there was no question she'd refuse his advances the pair of them fooled about in between the church pews after school
in those days churches were left open without fear of someone walking off with the silver she was the centre of his universe, for about thirty minutes she can't remember it happening it must have done afterwards he carried on ignoring her as before Father could barely speak to her he was that livid, she wouldn't tell him the name of the boy who'd got her pregnant, which infuriated him even more Ma didn't seem to mind so much, after the initial shock, she seemed pleased, they'd wanted another child, but it didn't work out for her and Pa Hattie felt bewildered at what was happening to her body and stupid for falling for Bobby she didn't want to be pregnant, she wanted to be at school and to go playing with her friends Ma took charge, Hattie was to remain hidden from everyone, they'd say she was sick Hattie felt fine, wanted to walk around the house, at least, you're not endangering this bairn, young lady, you'll do as you're told, Ma said the baby came quickly one Friday night, a girl, Ma delivered it herself, she'd read a book about how to do it she handed the baby over to Hattie, showed her how to breastfeed Hattie was fascinated, she'd made this child all by herself Ma told her she must treat the child as the most precious thing in the world and not be clumsy with her we have to make sure she survives, Hattie because we love her very much Hattie wasn't sure she loved the baby, she wasn't sure she knew what love was, it was a big word she gave the baby a name, Barbara, which Ma accepted, it's yours to name and we're going to try and keep her Ma spent all her time with her and the baby, she slept on the floor at night, was the first to wake up when the baby did, made sure Hattie didn't
fall asleep while breastfeeding she changed her nappies, bathed her in a tub in the room Hattie heard her parents arguing downstairs, they never had before, not like this, it went on for hours, Pa shouting, Ma shouting back Ma came in red-eyed, I'm not letting her go, I've told him that day Pa came into the bedroom to see his grandchild for the first time since Barbara was born, Ma was getting herself washed in the bathroom he said the baby had to go Hattie said she wanted to keep her, just as he swiftly plucked her from her arms with his strong hands before he left the room, he said, you don't speak a word about this, to anyone, ever, you must forget this ever happened, Hattie your life will be forever ruined with a bastard child men will have two reasons not to marry you Hattie wasn't even thinking of marriage, she hated her father calling her baby a bad person, a bastard she didn't really cotton on that she'd never see Barbara again Hattie's still got the pink and blue blanket Barbara was wrapped up in, made from wool spun from their own sheep, dyed and knitted by Ma when they didn't know whether it was going to be a male or female baby she's never washed it, keeps it in a shoe box for a long time afterwards she could still smell Barbara on it, even when she knew it wasn't possible she used to imagine Barbara had been taken in by aristocrats, become one of those debutantes, married a lord and lived in a castle she kept her word to Pa and never told anyone not Slim, not Ada Mae or Sonny – not anybody Hattie wakes up, someone is prodding her arm, she opens the heavy lids of her eyes, she's back at Greedymas and her lot have got even drunker and louder Ada Mae is peering intently at her, checking she's still alive having spent her life unaware she had an older sister.
Grace