Fifty
The alley. The background to the livestream was familiar for a reason. I know the place because I took Jihoon there myself. He’s not in a Canadian-looking neighborhood of Seoul. He’s here, in Toronto.
“I need to go,” I blurt. Then I don’t move, looking between the door and the screen. Do I want to do this again? I said in my email that I didn’t know how to get back to what we were, and Jihoon’s given me a path. I want to take it but am unsure if I have the guts.
“Hey.” Hana’s voice is quiet. “You know there’s no limit to happiness, right? Like no happiness police that will take everything away if things are going too well.”
I make a face at her. “Of course I do.”
“I don’t think so.” She pauses as if collecting her thoughts. “You don’t act like it. When things go your way, you never celebrate. You always look for what can go wrong as if the light’s too bright when you’re happy and you need a cloud to make you comfortable.”
“I’m not…” I can’t finish the sentence.
“It’s okay to want to be happy with another person,” she says. “It’s scary to not know what will happen and how someone will react. You’re a good person, Ari. You won’t be able to fuck it up too bad if you’re honest.”
“Thanks?” Hana’s not always the best at pep talks.
“Now get your man.”
“Right.” This is what I want, and I’m going to grab that thread he’s offering. I marshal my courage and throw on some unstained pants. There’s a cab right outside, and I hop in. “Queen and Portland.”
When I arrive at the empty alley, I start searching. I don’t remember the tiger flower painting at all, and the murals change, so I don’t even know if it will still be there. I walk slowly, looking at the images of gates and faces and cats until I find it by an open garage, so vibrant and gorgeous, I don’t know how I missed it when I was with Jihoon.
It takes up a full door, and I step closer to see each of the petals is a stylized tiger outlined in red.
“Ari?”
My head snaps up because Jihoon is standing behind me. He didn’t leave. He stayed until I could come after him. I now know I would have gone to Seoul to find him again but this is way more convenient.
I rub my cold hands together because I forgot my gloves. “Hi.” As openers go, it’s not great, but cut me some slack.
He doesn’t move. This is terrible. Shouldn’t he be throwing his arms around me or kissing me passionately? The movies told me that’s what happens after the grand gesture.
The grand gesture, which oh my God, he did. The ball’s in my court. I talked feelings with Phoebe. I hugged my Dad. I can do this. I’m going to Jihoon this and lay it all out. Writing that email was easy compared to this. I’m nauseous, and my legs are trembling. I’m scared, but I have to stop the bleeding.
“I get why you made your choice,” I say. “It hurt me because I thought I mattered to you but you let Newlight just…do that to me. Then you wanted to erase who I was to you.”
That is without a doubt the hardest thing I have had to say. I can’t have hope without vulnerability, so I push on. “I really liked you. I fell in love with you.”
Nope, that was the hardest. Almost done, Ari. Keep going.
“You told me to trust you, and I did. You said you’d fix it, but you stepped on my heart and crushed it. It was probably karmic payback for what I did to you at the airport, but it was awful. Really awful.”
There, it’s out.
“You said you wanted us to find our way back to what we were,” he says.
“You read the email.”
He nodded. “I couldn’t help but hope you’d written, so I kept checking despite promising myself not to. Were you being truthful?”
I nod and look up to try to prevent the tears from falling. “I was.”
“I’m not sure we can go back to that,” he says. “The past is over, and those people are a little wiser now.”
I take a breath. “Then we don’t go back. We move forward.”
“You would do that without knowing what’s to come?”
“Yes.” No hesitation.
Jihoon stuffs his hands in the pockets of his puffer jacket. “I’m leaving StarLune. We’re disbanding.”
“What?” This isn’t what I thought he’d say.
“After you left, I had to face what I’d done. StarLune has been my life for a decade, and I love it, but the band is my past, and you can be my future.”
“You can’t leave the band,” I say. “It’s too important to you.”
“We made the decision together. StarLune is made of people, and those four people will always be with me. That’s why we posted the same photo on our social media. We have others planned to show we support and love each other.”
“All of you?” I eye him hesitantly.
“Yes. We all need this. You are not wrecking StarLune.”
“The internet will say I am.”
“We’ll tell our fans the truth, that we’ve talked and the cracks have been there a long time but none of us wanted to be the first to say it. We need to grow in our own ways.” He looks at me. “I want you to be part of that journey. If you’ll have me.”
I take a half step forward, and it’s enough for him to cover the distance between us and wrap me in his arms. His mouth is on mine before I can answer, but the kiss tells him what he needs to know.
I’ll have him.
He encloses me in his puffer jacket, wrapping it around me until we’re in a bubble. “I love you, Ari. When you sent that text in Seoul, I was almost bursting to tell you how I felt, but I wanted to tell you in person.”
“Really?” Since I still sometimes woke at night regretting that message, this is a relief.
“Yeah.” He breathes into my hair. “It turned out to not be an opportune time.”
I grin despite myself. “This is definitely a more suitable occasion, but you should say it again to make sure.”
“I can do that.” He kisses the corner of my mouth. “I love you.”
“Good.” I make him wait until he’s fidgeting, then rub my nose on his warm neck. “I love you, Jihoon. And Min. I love all of you.”
His heart pounds, matching mine. “Thank you,” he whispers.
“What’s next?” I murmur against his mouth.
“I don’t know.” He pulls me closer to shelter me from the cold. “What do you think’s next?”
“I don’t know, either.” I don’t have a goal. I don’t have a plan.
That’s fine, because Jihoon’s arms are warm, and he’s smiling only at me.
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