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3 Phillip was something else, a real catch, a brilliant psychologist who charmed the French satin knickers off her at a friend's wedding reception where they ended up snogging on the dance floor once the music turned smoochy continuing the party in her hotel room that night almost as soon as she met him, the turbulent emotions Penelope felt at the dissolution of her marriage (regret, sadness, loneliness, self-loathing, fury that Giles had turned out to be such a male chauvinist pig) dissipated Phillip, she quickly discovered, was a Clitoris Man, and sex between them was a revelation unlike Giles: left a bit, right a bit, up a bit, down a bit, bingo, Giles, how clever you are! Phillip knew what it was and how to find it without her directions and what to do with it furthermore, he was a caring, sensitive soul who wanted to help people feel better about themselves they had a quickie wedding with only two witnesses in attendance, she didn't want to jinx it by going the whole nine yards Phillip rented out his large Highgate home and moved into her equally capacious four-storey house, using the front reception room for his private practice in a sense it was quite satisfying that she was now the one leaving the house to go to work while The Husband stayed at home, albeit working nontheless, it was symbolic it was also a great relief when the children eventually took to him, after a few difficult months including broken nights when she rocked Sarah, in particular, who missed her father awfully, back to sleep

Phillip won them over by being tactile and affectionate (unlike Giles), talking and listening to them (unlike Giles), reading to them (unlike Giles), and helping them with their homework (unlike Giles) while she marked schoolwork another refreshing thing about Phillip was the extent of his interest in her, he wanted to know who she was deep down inside, the real Penny beyond the pleasant, people-pleasing façade, as was her fate as a woman and mother she was flattered he should care so much nor did he try to impose old-fashioned values on her like horrid Giles, a Tyrannosaurus Brute who believed in the superiority of the male species Phillip was a man in touch with modernity a New Man as she wrote in her diary so far so good until she noticed Phillip's benevolent probing had a tendency to turn into intrusive interrogations when she did things he didn't like or when he couldn't get his own way especially when she expressed herself frankly which, as a liberated woman to a liberated man, should have been quite acceptable let's find out what's prompting this negative behaviour, shall we? he'd ask, leaning forward in his chair, the half-eaten dinner on the dining table between them, staring so deeply into her eyes she felt, how to describe it? psychologically raped, yes, that was it what happened to you as a child, Penny? he'd ask, it's clear you have abandonment issues, let's unearth your subconscious memory, shall we? I'd rather my subconscious memory remain just that, she replied then let's uncover your repressed sexual desires to see what's holding you back from being a better person? or I want you to dig deep, Penny, in order to understand why you obsessively clean the toilet three times a day? I do it because you piss on the seat, darling, she snapped back when he asked her why she was equally obsessive about sweeping the kitchen floor?

I do it because you drop toast and biscuit crumbs on it that are trailed through the rest of the house when he asked her why she didn't rinse off the wine glasses before stacking them on the draining board? she responded by flinging them on the floor when he asked why she didn't like his friends (with their black-framed glasses, black rollneck jumpers and smug intellects), she replied, to be honest, Phil, they're not my type, resisting the urge to add, like you, I think, like you when he asked why she objected to his Playboy subscription when he thought she approved of the Sexual Revolution, didn't she want a liberated man after all? was she really such an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy? she responded by taking a pile of them into the garden and feeding them to a burning mound of crackling autumn leaves and trimmed bracken then he accused her of drinking too much, there were two Pennys: the Sober One was logical, whereas the Drunk Sister was irrational she told him he was being absolutely ludicrous and a bottle of wine a night is not overdoing it, Phil, what about the Scandinavians with their vodkas for breakfast or the Mediterraneans with their wine with lunch and dinner? and another thing, why was it all right for you to drink in the pub with your friends of an evening but not all right for me to go continental in the privacy of my own home? you should be grateful to have a wife with such sophisticated European habits now pass the walnut loaf, Camembert and fig chutney, darling Penelope came to the conclusion that marrying someone when you're in love with them was perhaps not such a good idea, better to wait a few years (ten, twenty, thirty, never?) to see if you're still compatible after the passion has subsided and reality set in she admitted to herself that things had gone sour with Giles once their sexual chemistry failed to ignite, which happened after their first child was born Giles wasn't much turned on by lactating breasts or her fuller figure; he never said so, but she could tell by the way he looked at her (repulsed), and his behaviour (not wanting to touch her)

after childbirth she mourned the waist that wouldn't return to its original measurement, and she mourned the lost bouncy ball quality of her breasts he stopped telling her how devastatingly beautiful she was when previously he said it several times a day she realized how addictive it had become without it she craved it and felt ugly however she was resolved not to give up on Number Two, hoping he wouldn't give up on her (like Giles), even when he began to forget the A–Z of her sexual desire or maybe he just couldn't be bothered, whatever the reason, he resorted to the same unimaginative missionary pumping as her ex she decided she'd rather be unhappy than endure the public humiliation of another failed marriage and become a social outcast Rule Number One: couples do not invite single women to their dinner parties the children learnt to tiptoe around both of them, were still nice to Phillip, whom they loved as their stepfather, Penelope felt bad for putting them through two ruined marriages in their young lives by the time they'd grown and flown, their mother and stepfather were, in reality, living separate lives with nothing to say to each other any more, not even to have blazing rows they continued to share the house, had separate quarters, two televisions, two telephone lines, a his and hers end of the kitchen until, unimaginatively, he traded her in for a younger version of herself, one of his clients, nineteen-year-old Melissa, a Nordic blonde type Penelope found used condoms in the kitchen dustbin when she went on her weekly investigatory rummage that evening she cornered him against the fridge, a pan of boiling water poised in her hand he admitted he'd been seeing this Melissa for a while, had been afraid to tell her; it wasn't the cheating that mattered so much to Penelope (she

convinced herself), it was sneaking around behind her back in their home, with a woman younger than her own daughter he said it was nothing to do with age and that as Melissa's childhood was relatively recent, it was easier for him to help her uncover repressed memories, you know, help her sort herself out she missed Giles then, at least he wasn't a creepy psychological predator like Phillip sadly, he was on to (Indian) Wife Number Two in Hong Kong where he built bridges and lived on one of the tropical outlying islands in a pad with its own menagerie of birds in the grounds as Adam and Sarah reported back once he started inviting them over for the summer holidays, which only happened when they were teenagers with whom he could hold adult conversations they adored their much younger half-Indian half-brothers, Ravi-Paul and Jimmy-Dev and accused her of racism if she ever said a word against them her kids were examples of political correctness gone mad.