4

4 Winsome is distracted by the men who come back into view through the kitchen window and amble up the beach in the blazing heat, neither wearing sun cream nor a sun hat, in spite of her nagging years ago brown-skinned people thought they was immune from sun damage and ended up with skin cancer even today most men don't bother with sun protection as if it makes them less manly Lennox is more like Clovis than she likes to think, physically and temperamentally Winsome reckons this is why Shirley chose him, subconsciously he was familiar to her

maybe that's why Winsome herself took to her son-in-law a younger, sexier version of the man she married in a few weeks' time, after the men have made the boat sea-worthy they've replaced the missing planks from the hull and installed the new engine and propeller they've stood back and admired their handicraft they've launched the boat with a bottle of rum smashed against her hull they'll go out before daylight to capture flying fish, drop lines to pick up dorado and billfish along the way, once they're far out, they'll throw cane trash and palm fronds on to the sea to act as a screen, drop baskets underneath them that release bait slowly, once the flying fish have gathered for this meal, they'll be scooped into nets, although hauling in nets is harder when you're older, Clovis says, when he returns with an aching back that she massages for him fishing is an important part of who he is, it makes him feel like a real man, a man who goes out to work, who provides, even in retirement Madison wakes up on Rachel's lap, looks groggily around to orientate herself, tumbles from her mother's lap, waddles out of the door and runs to greet the men when she sees them walk towards the house on the coral- coloured sand she positions herself between them, they each take a hand and swing her it's a charming picture Rachel thanks Winsome for confiding in her, it's quite a story, Nana, you were a trailblazer we was just two people who went foreign, Rachel, nothing trailblazing about that well I think you're amazing, and now I'm going to sit with Mum, the only time I don't have to worry about her is when she's here, the rest of the time I dread she's going to have a stroke from the stress of her job don't you be worrying about our Shirl, Rachel, she enjoys having something to complain about

once the family was back London in the sixties, they settled in Peckham, bought a bomb-damaged house, did it up over the decades there was no more talk about haring off to places where they wasn't wanted Clovis had three main preoccupations: going to work, raising the children, doing up the house he discovered he liked DIY, like most men of his generation who spent their weekends being handymen wore dark blue overalls and learned from manuals how to plaster, plumb and do electrics, bricklaying, carpentry at first Winsome liked that she could almost predict how a year would pan out from the start of it to the end of it barring aberrations like a roof leaking or a child rushed to hospital with appendicitis in time they were able to joke about their adventures in the south-west, when Clovis was young and foolhardy (he admitted), and she was so vexed with him what she couldn't predict was that once her husband was domesticated, she began to wish he had more get up and go Winsome had wanted safety and stability when she was new to England and Clovis represented familiarity, he paid her attention, was nice to her, she fell for him when she needed someone it had matured into love, there being much to like and admire about her husband – he was never cruel, never strayed into other women's beds, was accommodating and sensitive to her needs the problem was what he wasn't – exciting when Shirley brought Lennox home for tea that first time when they were students, it was like one of the older Jackson Five lads was standing in her hallway he was so vigorous and bulged with youthfulness, literally, his flared trousers were very tight Winsome found herself feeling something she'd never felt for Clovis – a bursting sexual desire, passion, whatever they call it she tried hard not to stare at his chocolatey skin that was so lickable, or into the pure whites of his intelligent eyes, whereas Clovis had yellowed eye whites from a childhood spent in the glare of the sun at sea

he had a neatly-clipped small afro, a figure-hugging shirt showed off his perfect torso she wanted to run her hands all over him, massage his balls, feel him harden at her touch Clovis ushered everyone into the sitting room where they gawped at this young man over their cups of cocoa tea the two lovebirds sat holding hands on the sofa, while her and Clovis sat on armchairs making polite chit-chat Clovis deepened his voice, she noticed, wanting to impress this university student it was obvious Shirley was smitten with Lennox, who was going to become a solicitor, she'd already told them proudly, and then he'd become a barrister and maybe even a judge one day what a catch he was lucky Shirley before you knew it, they was all back in the hallway with the customary nice to meet yous and thank yous and you must come agains her and Clovis waved them off as they made their way across Peckham Rye towards the station, and thereafter King's Cross and then the train back to Leeds Winsome shut the door and began to climb the stairs to their bedroom, I got a likkle headache, she called out to Clovis, who didn't hear as he was already in the kitchen tuning into a pirate reggae radio station she lay down on their bed what on earth was going on? maybe it was the onset of the change that made women more emotional, it would pass just as the menopause would leaving her with her depleted oestrogen and dying ovaries except she didn't want it to, encouraged Shirley to come home more often for the weekend, of course you can bring Lennox with you who kissed her on two cheeks in greeting who put his arms around her affectionately when he was in the house, delighting Shirley that her mother and boyfriend had such a rapport

she liked the way his arms slipped around her waist when they walked in couple formation back from a trip to the cinema or a meal out, Clovis and Shirley striding ahead through the night streets of Peckham, her and Lennox trailing behind she initiated sex more often with Clovis to get the frustration out of her system Clovis, whose schooling ended when he was fourteen, didn't hold up well in comparison to Lennox who used long words like accountability, restitution and quid pro quo words she had to look up in the dictionary Clovis wasn't interested in socializing beyond family get-togethers, he'd stopped drinking when they returned to London, he wasn't interested in going to see films or going to parties and having fun into the early hours the way Shirley and Lennox did lying in bed late on Sunday mornings drinking real coffee from a percolator while reading the newspapers, as Shirley reported back, before going out for brunch, Mum Winsome had never even heard of brunch she wished her body was as shapely as her young daughter's she wished she'd had the education and choices Shirley had that meant Shirley could attract a man who was both a dish and ambitious who married her and became the father of Rachel and Karen who she babysat a lot more than she needed to because Lennox would drive her home afterwards who sometimes put his hand on her knee for emphasis when he spoke to her in the car whose goodbye kisses lingered a little too long, his soft lips full on or was she imagining it? she reassured herself her attraction to Lennox wasn't a betrayal of Clovis or Shirley because it wasn't acted upon if it was, that would be different if he turned up on her doorstep one day when Clovis was out and pounced on her she would not have been able to resist nor did she

when he rang her bell one afternoon, knowing she was on the late shift and at home, and Clovis was on the early shift he'd taken the afternoon off, shut the door behind him and kissed her the way Clovis never did because when they first met he'd said full-on kissing was unhygienic she made sure her tongue stayed in her mouth after that it had never made contact with another human until now Lennox untied the pinafore she wore to do the housework (polishing the banisters) and unbuttoned the summer dress she wore underneath it he dragged off her nylon slip and the stockings held up with suspenders because she was old-fashioned and hated the discomfort of tights rubbing between her thighs giving her a rash that needed to be soothed with Vaseline he seemed to like what he saw, as she discovered herself through his hands, his body through hers she got so wet it trickled down her legs who was this woman letting her son-in-law do her every which way? who was this woman who took him into her mouth and enjoyed it? when the only time she did it to Clovis she had thrown up afterwards? who was this woman who kept up with this young man who exploded multiple times inside her because he was virile and could go on forever and so could she until they died from exhaustion because she was completely out of her mind and inside her body? until the alarm in the kitchen went she had to collect Karen and Rachel from the nursery they showered and dressed themselves left the house separately him first that night she couldn't sleep she went to war with her morals on behalf of her feelings guess which side won?

she was nearly fifty she deserved to have this him that Sunday after family lunch, she made sure they were alone in the kitchen doing the dishes and arranged to meet him that week and so it continued for over a year once a week, sometimes twice and on the weekends they took Rachel and Karen to the seaside to give Shirley a break while the toddlers slept, they took advantage of the double bed they never spoke of what they did Lennox had urges, it was better she satisfy him than he left her daughter for another woman and then he left her, or rather he stopped it no explanation, no discussion, no excuses, no compassion did he come to his senses at sleeping with a middle-aged woman? was he guilty at sleeping with his mother-in-law? was Shirley making love with him again? had she even stopped? or had he found someone else? Winsome never got an answer because she couldn't bring herself to ask for a long time afterwards Lennox didn't look her in the eye, if he could help it, he didn't even look at her in the face Shirley noticed she wasn't as pally with Lennox as before don't be silly, you know how fond I am of him, Shirl Winsome wished he hadn't awakened a longing in her that he wouldn't satisfy he'd given her a taste of himself and then withdrawn it she didn't hate him for it, she wanted him more because of it he became fantasy material: they spent erotic afternoons in exotic hotels, she wore sexy underwear, looked younger than her age in a fantasy anything was possible even now, so many decades later, she feels the old attraction stir when he arrives for the summer, and when she catches him in a certain light

Lennox and Clovis are sitting on the white bench on the veranda with Madison nestled between them Rachel sways on the stripy hammock Clovis hung up for his afternoon naps, they've all burst out laughing at something, not at what Shirley's said, her daughter has no sense of humour, probably at something Madison has said, something cute, because she is Lennox glances up, catches Winsome's attention on him, waves warmly, innocently not a flicker of acknowledgement in all of these years Shirley boasts that Lennox will never cheat on her Winsome always replies she found one of the good guys you lucky, Shirl, you lucky.

Penelope