Forty-Three
I’m not so immature that I’m going to run off without talking to Jihoon. I am sufficiently immature that I’m ready to leave right after I talk with him since there’s no way it’s going to be a rewarding conversation. That final and still unanswered text I sent to him stands as the most regretted action of my entire life, even worse than when I got a perm.
There are reasons I never open myself up. The disappointment. The hurt. The humiliation at reading it all wrong.
I slick my hair back in its usual bun and pull on the clothes I arrived in. Then I wait.
When Jihoon arrives back at the apartment, it’s night, and the Seoul buildings glow through the window. He’s alone and pauses at the door to take off his shoes, head bent low and hand lingering on the wall to support himself.
I stay silent as he comes into the living room because I’m not sure what to say. He joins me at the window, eyes lingering on my bun. “This is not how I wanted it to go,” he says.
“You told them I was a sasaeng.” It’s not even a question.
“That’s not what I agreed Newlight would put out,” he says as he reaches for me. I step neatly to the side to keep some distance between us, and his hand falls to his side.
“No?”
“I approved a statement that said the photo was misleading. I didn’t want to say anything at all, but the company insisted.”
Misleading. I bite my cheek. “What exactly did you want the statement to say?”
“That you are a friend of my cousin.”
I wait but that seems to be it. “Not that we’re involved.”
He pulls on his earring, the one I gave him. “No. The statement I wanted would be clear that we are not in a relationship. Now is not the right time to announce it.”
“What’s so bad about admitting we’re together?” I demand. “Am I that terrible a choice?”
“I’m sorry, Ari. There’s nothing wrong with us dating, but it needs to be planned carefully. It’s not safe for you, and we also need to focus on our comeback. I can’t let the others down, and I’d be too distracted with this if our relationship came out.”
At the purely intellectual level, it’s quite the experience to be denied so publicly, especially since we never had the official What Are We relationship talk. It’s like a koan: What is the sound of dumping a girlfriend who wasn’t a girlfriend?
“What distraction? You tell them the truth. People will understand you’re entitled to your life.”
In the reflection on the window, he looks tired and so do I, my tight bun causing unflattering shadows to fall on my face.
“The company originally wanted to remove me from the band,” he says. “To apologize and go on hiatus.”
I step back. “For seeing someone?”
“You know some fans don’t like it,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “They were circulating a petition to have me removed because I wasn’t fully dedicated to StarLune.”
“That’s what you did, then. You let them throw me under the bus for your career because a few people made a fuss about a part of your life they have no right to interfere with.” I desperately want a time machine so I can take back that fucking text.
“No. I told them to issue a correction. Kit hyeong is at the office fighting with them now, but I needed to see you to explain.” He takes my hand. “We can figure this out.”
I shake him off. “You made your choice clearly, unequivocally, and on a global platform,” I say. “You let Newlight smear me in front of millions of people, and you stood aside.”
“I can’t openly go against our company like that,” he says, running a rough hand through his lavender hair. “You don’t understand. I’m fighting back, but it has to be done right.”
“It’s not enough to have them say I’m not a sasaeng. The right thing is to tell the truth.” This is embarrassing now, like I’m forcing him into a relationship he doesn’t want.
“I had no choice. Ari, you need to understand what’s at stake. I’ve been with StarLune for over a decade. The members are my family. It’s not only about me but also their lives and the careers they’ve dedicated everything to.”
“I get that.”
“Then you’ll understand that we make our decisions together and always have. It’s our greatest strength. It’s not like I can threaten to leave. I can’t toss StarLune away for—”
He halts, and I fill in the blanks. “For me,” I say.
“I didn’t mean it like that. It’s not you, Ari. It’s the timing, that’s it. I want you in my life, but for now we can’t be public. Soon, I swear.”
“You said we were worth fighting for.” White lights line the bridge in the distance.
“We are.”
This actually makes me laugh. “I told my work that it was all true, and they put me on leave. They would have anyway, but at least I stood up for us. You wanted to make sure the world knew I was nothing to you.”
“That’s not true.” He takes my hands between his. “It’s that this involves more than us. Stay with me. Please. Give me a chance.”
“Will you put out the truth? Right now? That I’m not a sasaeng and we are dating because I’m more than your cousin’s friend?”
His silence is answer enough. Later is the time to decide how to work through the mix of shame and fury that fills me. Now is the time to get out of here with what’s left of my pride intact.
“I lost my job,” I tell him. “I lost my reputation. What did you lose?”
“You don’t even like your job.”
“It’s what I chose, and it’s as valid. Your money and fame don’t make you more important. They don’t make your name more precious.” I glare him. “You aren’t even happy with what you do. Or was all that anguish about finding your true artistic self another lie?”
The flash of pain on his face is instantly replaced with anger, and he pins me with a look. “You’re ready to leave no matter what I say.”
“That’s not true.”
“No? I see your bags, Ari, so don’t tell me about giving up when you hit an obstacle.” He doesn’t wait for me to reply. “It’s awful, but no one else is affected if you lose your job. With me, the entire team is impacted.”
“Then it’s a numbers game to you. This way, only I get hurt, and it’s worth it if everyone else is happy.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to say the exact words. The sentiment is clear enough. You chose StarLune.”
“You’re the one making me choose, Ari. Give me some time.”
It takes me a moment to find my breath because I’m livid. “Every time I apply for a job, people who search me online will see this, as if being your stalker is all I have to offer.”
“I told you I didn’t want that to go out.” His usually low voice is rising to match mine.
“Yeah, that’s what you say, but let’s look at what you did. You didn’t retract it.”
“We’re working on it.”
“If you’d wanted it done, it would be done. You’d have found a way. I’m going to have to rebuild my life, while your biggest problem will be having Daehyun’s name first on the credits for the song you’re going to write about this.”
Jihoon reaches out, but I step back with my hand up. “No way are you coming near me.” I shake my head. “You know what I said in my last text?” Things can’t get worse, so I might as well address this elephant in my mind.
“Yes.”
“Forget it. Forget this all happened.”
“Ari, please.” His voice is so soft. “I want to talk to you about that. I was waiting. Let’s talk.”
I turn to the window and answer his reflection. “No.”
He bows his head. “If that’s what you want.”
Then he’s the one to leave.