Chapter 39
Sloan
♪ Ful Stop | Radiohead
The second I’d hung up with Jason, I’d darted around my room and packed my things to leave. I grabbed Tucker, said goodbye to Patricia, and had Paul drive me to the airport in Duluth so I could catch the next flight to Vegas. I didn’t tell Jason I was coming. He was so low, I wanted to surprise him. I’d told him good night when we hung up and he wasn’t expecting to hear from me until the morning.
The last five weeks had been torture. It was great seeing Kristen, and I loved cooking with Jason’s mom. I’d gotten sleep, I’d gotten healthy—and none of it compared to being with him. Not even a little.
It was going to take me at least another month to finish the piece, and I didn’t have another month in me without him. I’d already been debating coming back to the road early when we’d had our argument, and that was the deciding factor.
What he’d said scared me.
I knew this separation had been hard for him. That’s why I’d made it a point to always be happy when we talked, so he’d know his sacrifice wasn’t a waste. But now I thought maybe I should have let him see how awful it was without him. Honestly, I couldn’t even focus on what I was here to do. I spent most of my days trying to distract myself from the fact that I felt too in a funk to paint.
We were simply no good without each other. This separation had been the proof. We were both miserable. I had to go back. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms tonight and every night from now on.
Every step I took to getting back to him—getting off the plane, climbing into an Uber, walking into the hotel—made me feel elated, like I was coming home.
The road was home.
It was miraculous that I felt that way after how much it had worn me down—but it was true. Home was wherever Jason was, and knowing this gave me the world’s biggest second wind. This time was going to be different. Very different.
So much of what I’d struggled with on tour was mental. I’d kept thinking about all the things I wasn’t able to do and looking forward to the day it would be over instead of appreciating that every minute out there was time with him. And now that I’d seen what being apart was like, my brain had done a complete 180.
I could do this. I could do the crap out of this.
I’d learn to sleep on the bus. That was the very first thing on my list. I’d figure out how to eat better. I’d go with him to the gym and exercise when he did. I’d get a Crock-Pot and make us dinner so we could eat real food. I mean, the bus had a kitchen. Why not?
And why couldn’t I paint on the road if we drove at night? That would mean during the day the bus would be parked. I could paint during his sound check. I’d have to be careful, figure out a way to make sure the canvas was secure when we were moving, but it wasn’t impossible. I didn’t have to lose myself in Jason’s career, I could find myself here. Reinvent myself. Evolve.
He was going to marvel at the new me.
And you know what? Maybe we could have kids. If we got the bus outfitted with the right sleeping setup, had help? We could do anything.
I was going to channel my inner nomad. Make this work for both of us and turn these years into some of the best of our lives. Reclaim myself and support him at the same time, learn to love it. Because making him happy was the only way I could be happy—and I knew he felt that way too. That was what was bothering him about all this. He thought he was robbing me of a life. But he was my life—and we could have it all.
I stood outside Jason’s hotel room with Tucker, beaming, ready to tell him all my plans, ready to start over and do it right this time. I knocked, practically bouncing.
But when the door opened, my entire world came to a crashing halt.
Lola stood in the doorway.
I was frozen. I couldn’t even breathe. My eyes had to adjust to it like someone suddenly turning the light on in a dark room.
She wore nothing but underwear and a white Jaxon Waters sweatshirt. The room was dark behind her. She looked like she’d been sleeping.
“Yeah?” she asked lazily.
I just stared at her. I couldn’t believe it. I literally couldn’t believe it. I probably should have been afraid. She’d been harassing me and she beat up my car, but I was too shocked for afraid.
What was she doing here?
My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.
Maybe I had the wrong room? Maybe she was in Vegas for some reason and maybe they were putting her on Jason’s tour and he hadn’t told me yet because he didn’t know yet and somehow their rooms got swapped and…
The fact that I’d sent cookies to this exact room number not twelve hours ago glared like neon in the back of my mind.
I swallowed. “Is…is Jason here?”
She looked drowsily over her shoulder. “Sleeping,” she said, peering back at me.
The wind was knocked out of me.
I didn’t understand. Why would she be here? Everything we did was about keeping her from being here. We hated her. Jason didn’t want her anywhere near us, and now she was in his room?
Tucker growled low next to me, and Lola’s eyes dropped to the sound. “I’ll take him,” she murmured, reaching clumsily for the leash.
She was drunk.
I yanked him back instinctively. “No.”
I stared at the woman between me and the man I loved.
She was shorter in person than I’d expected. Prettier. She had wavy red hair that hung almost to her navel. Sharp green eyes with long fake eyelashes and perfect wing-tipped eyeliner.
Her lips were bare.
A lump started to build in my throat. “What are you doing here?” My voice shook.
She looked at me, bored, and leaned her head on the door frame. “What do you want?”
I blanched.
What do I want? I belong here. My chest started to heave.
This was the person behind all the bad things in our lives. She was the reason I’d had to ghost myself on social media, change the number I’d had when I was with Brandon. She’d had us running ourselves into the pavement to keep her from being forced on us. She was why we didn’t get days off.
And now she was in my boyfriend’s room half-naked.
A small surge of anger-fueled bravery kicked in. I pushed past her.
She made a leisurely laughing noise as she fell back into the wall, like this was all hilarious to her in slow motion.
And there he was.
I don’t think I would have truly believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But there was Jason. He was in nothing but his underwear, sleeping on top of the bedspread.
I stood there dumbfounded for a moment before I darted to the mattress and grabbed his shoulder. “Get up!” I shook him. “Jason, wake up!”
He groaned into the pillow.
Tucker jumped onto the bed and started licking his face. Jason didn’t even push him off.
I looked around, mouth open, tears filling my eyes. A bottle of bourbon sat on the nightstand. Two glasses.
He must be shit-faced, I thought with disgust. There was no way he could sleep through this otherwise.
Was that what had happened? He was upset with me so he got wasted and slept with Lola?
The finality of the situation smacked me in the face. How was this happening? How? None of it made sense.
“You should probably go,” Lola slurred from behind me.
I didn’t need more prodding. I’d seen enough.
I turned and left without looking at her. She clicked the door closed and Tucker pulled at his leash back toward the room the whole way to the elevator as I dragged my luggage behind me, gasping.
I burst from the smoky casino and walked vaguely in the direction that I’d come in my Uber from the airport. When I felt like my lungs couldn’t give me the air I needed to continue, I stopped at a closed cafe on the strip and sat at one of their dirty patio tables. I blocked everyone. Zane, Jessa, Ernie—Jason. I didn’t want anyone trying to talk me out of what I knew I’d seen—or telling me more. I knew enough.
Then I sobbed into the phone to Kristen.
She told me to come stay with her. She said Josh was going to murder him. She told me to get off the streets of Vegas at 1:00 in the morning and that I was too good for him and I deserved better.
I didn’t want better. I wanted him.
I was alone, homeless, and devastated. And now I was adrift again, waves crashing over me, water filling my mouth.