Chapter Thirty-Five
NASH
Walking out was the most childish thing he could have done. It was his dad’s style, not his.
But his dad was precisely why he was so agitated, and Kiran’s unilateral decision that they couldn’t be together only exacerbated the loss of control Nash was experiencing.
He needed to go for a run or something to clear his head and separate all the issues crowding his mind. They were encroaching on each other’s space, and he hated how his dad was influencing how he dealt with Kiran and Kiran was impacting how he handled his dad’s letter (or didn’t handle it at all). He wanted to pry them apart so he could think about it all one thing at a time.
He had to change before he headed out again, so he walked back to his apartment, dropping a dollar bill into a homeless man’s cup as he approached his building. The thudding beats with which his heart pounded were like punches he was landing on a boxing bag of issues.
He unlocked his apartment and let himself in. Quietly, he hoped that Kiran was still there—that perhaps his walkout would be forgiven and that she’d take back the breakup. Maybe they could talk like adults and navigate this unknown territory together.
But she was gone.
He stood in the living room for a breath, letting her absence wash over him before throwing his keys on the counter and going directly to his closet. He rummaged for his sneakers and some gym clothes before changing and grabbing his keys again. His headphones were in his ears before he had even shut his front door.
The cement sidewalk against the soles of his feet was the kind of therapy no psychiatrist could provide. The anger, confusion, and aggression his body needed to express fueled the way his legs pumped, and with each block he added to his run, his tension fell away, allowing him to think clearly.
Deep down, he knew he was in love with Kiran.
He adored her laugh. He loved the strength of her jawline and how it added a little defiance to her face, especially because she was someone who had such a sense of duty. He thought of her hair and how silky it felt to the touch when his fingers ran through it. And her mind was the most beautiful thing of all… He never got tired of exploring its crevices and discovering new paths in it.
Being in love with Kiran was like an adventure every day, and he was addicted to the pursuit of discovering her. And having her was having a home.
Resentment bubbled inside him against her parents—people he’d never even met who were living their lives on the other side of the world, unaware how they were impacting his. He didn’t understand why he was undergoing punishment for falling in love. Variety was supposed to be the spice of life, right? He couldn’t imagine loving or marrying someone within such a strict set of guidelines. God, how many people did that leave once all the criteria were met anyway? Did they really expect their daughter to marry one of the three people who fit every quality on their list from caste to ambition?
The point he struggled with most, the one he didn’t even want to admit to himself, was that he wasn’t good enough for her family. He had spent his entire life proving that his circumstances were no indicator of the type of man he was…and here he was, educated and in love with Kiran, and unable to do anything about it. His background as a white man, his parental history of abandonment and drug abuse, and the mere fact that he was born into a family different from her own was being held against him. It was out of his control. He couldn’t help a single thing that was being used as an argument against him.
Just like he couldn’t help the fury that raged inside him when he thought of his father reaching out.
While he was able to say that his mother was dead and that his father had abandoned them when he was a child, his past was a certainty. Even though it was being held against him with Kiran, he still knew exactly who he was and where he stood in relation to his parents—he simply didn’t have any.
But now, Kirk had complicated everything. He wanted a relationship.
What would make up for twenty-five years of absentia? What was left to say? Nash had come to terms with not having a father, and it was a foreign concept to introduce one to his life now.
The unsettled, anxious, wobbly wave of emotion he was facing kept him from finding a pace on his run that suited him. Winded and annoyed, he headed back to his place where he picked up the phone, dialing Brandon.
“You got a minute?” Nash plopped onto his sofa, exhausted and too flared up to rest all at once.
“What’s up?”
“She broke up with me.”
“No way.” Brandon’s incredulous tone made Nash feel worse. “Why?”
“Her parents, I guess. Cultural differences.”
“Did you do something offensive?” Brandon sounded confused.
“I don’t think so. Maybe existing.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“I don’t know either,” Nash snapped. “It’s like…one second, I’m in love with her and we’re so happy. The next, she’s in my apartment telling me she doesn’t think we’ll make it because her family disapproves of her decision to date me and I don’t fit into their plan for her to marry someone they choose.”
“That’s not ideal. But maybe it’s expected?”
“What? Does it make sense to you?”
Nash hadn’t known Brandon to solve many problems before he did.
“It’s not like I get it,” Brandon said, and Nash could imagine him shrugging. “But based on what you’ve told me, she worked hard to get here with the support of her family, and it sounds like they’ve all been through a lot. It must be hard to let that go and shift your path. Maybe they expected her to respect that journey.”
“It’s not exactly respectful to me.”
“Hey, I’m not arguing with that. I am on your side. Like I said, I don’t pretend to understand where she’s coming from. It sucks. But try and empathize. Maybe that will give you a solution that makes sense. It’s what you do.”
“There’s literally nothing I can do.”
Brandon stayed quiet, confirming Nash’s thoughts. A couple of seconds passed.
“You said you loved her.”
“I do.”
“That’s big.”
“It’s huge. And don’t say ‘That’s what she said,’ because even I can’t handle a sex joke from you right now.”
Brandon chuckled. “I thought it’d break the ice! But for the sake of your grumpy ass…sleep on it. You’re too pissed and upset to talk to her right now. But eventually, you may have to.”
“Thanks,” Nash grumbled.
“If you need me, I’ve got you. I’m a call away.”
“I appreciate it,” Nash said.
They hung up.
“Ughhhhh!” he groaned in frustration as he rubbed his hands on his face.
He wanted a solution from the universe—a way to fix this so that Kiran could keep her family’s love but he didn’t lose her. Darkness fell, and only silence echoed back.