Chapter Thirty-Three
I sat on a wooden bench along the dew-drenched central lawn. The campus chapel bell rang softly, signaling it was eight in the morning. I checked my watch for the tenth time. He would be here soon.
We’d decided it was easier to meet in person because his phone reception was spotty, and our texts were too numerous and confusing. Jake picked the location. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why he chose this specific place on the walkway. The last time we were here, my mom had unflinchingly dropped the truth bomb about my dad’s unemployment, launching me like a human cannonball straight into adulthood. Then Jake broke my heart on this very bench. I thought back then that it was the most difficult time of my life. But what was happening now rivaled, maybe even surpassed, that experience. My reputation and career were on the line, not to mention that my own health had taken a toll lately, both physically and mentally.
If these life disasters were cyclical, like how cicada seasons occurred every seventeen years in parts of the United States, I would need to plan ahead for the next one in my forties. Hide in a bunker, stock a full bar, and go off the grid.
Jake strolled down the path, wearing far fewer layers than he should have been. He breathed hot air onto his hands and rubbed his palms together. “I forgot my gloves,” he said with a lopsided smile. “But I did manage to wear actual pants.”
In the sunlight, up close, I could see how his boyish features were now firmer. More striking and handsome. Still youthful, but accented with ruggedness from age. However, the dark circles under his eyes and his deeply hooded eyelids suggested he’d had about as much sleep as I’d had the last few nights. Energy-wise you wouldn’t know—he was wide awake and chipper.
He sat on the bench. “Catch me up on the latest,” he said. “Lay it on me!”
So I did. I told him about the O’Haras’ upcoming event with me. My op-ed that would run in the Carlthorpe Courier. Mia’s latest crisis management tactics.
He waited until I’d finished before he spoke. He was always good about listening without any mansplainy interruptions.
“I wish I knew how to help you.” He looked at me with his warm brown eyes and bit his bottom lip. “Would it be okay if I asked Professor Stevenson to talk with someone at Solv to give you a fair shake at the internship? He’s got a ton of influence there and can, at the very least, get them to hold your final interview time. He’s also a genius at bringing the energy of the room down a few notches to help people make rational choices. Doc has also helped me through my mental blocks for my PhD dissertation.”
“If you could ask Doc to help me out, that would be more than I could have ever thought to ask,” I suggested. “Thank you.”
His face lit up. “I can also grant you an extension on any homework or classwork assignments, I have the power to do that.”
I giggled at his sudden jolt of enthusiasm. “I’m actually all caught up right now, but thanks.”
He asked, “Can I walk you back to your apartment? I’ve been cooped up inside and could use a walk. Plus, I’m getting cold.”
“Can we quickly discuss how we’re in forty-degree weather, and you’re wearing that?” My tone sounded harsher than I’d meant it to be, but he was in a flimsy fleece with a waffle-knit Henley underneath. But that wasn’t even the worst part—he had no socks on. Just casual slip-on shoes and joggers. I could see his pasty white ankles.
“I see you leering at my sexy anklebones, Lily. My eyes are up here.”
My jaw dropped and I let out a shocked laugh. Using all of my willpower, I tried to not stare at Jake, although through my peripheral vision I could see his broad shoulders and chest. His athletic build was hard to miss, especially when seated only a few inches away.
“You’re right. I was disrespecting you. I will never, ever drool over your bony ankles ever again.”
His eyes sparkled, his charm and exuberance overtaking the tiredness on his face. “Shall we?”
Jake jumped to his feet and held out his hand, pulling me up from the bench. We walked down the central path toward the main gate. As we exited, I asked the question burning in the back of my mind. “Why did you want to meet here? Not at a café, or pretty much anywhere else on campus, but you know, this is where we . . . we—”
“Broke up?”
A lump formed in the back of my throat. I nodded.
“I chose that spot because I wanted to make brand-new memories for us. Instead of it being the place on campus where you remembered I was a selfish, ignorant prick who made poor decisions and didn’t take into account your feelings or well-being. I was hoping you’d see me as someone else. Someone better. Someone you’re proud of now.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Maybe now when you pass by that bench on the way to class, you’ll remember a person who cares about you deeply and regrets everything about that day we went our separate ways.”
I stopped in my tracks.
The temperature had dropped several degrees, and flurries began to scatter and drift all around. It was almost as if we were staging a romantic Hallmark movie scene and the director had cued the snow machines to turn on full blast. It was picturesque and dreamy, a much-needed change from how my life had been spiraling out of control the last three days.
I blurted, “I honestly don’t know how to respond. Thank you for saying all of that.” His face brightened a little but fell when I shook my head. “You took off for Spain when I needed you the most. I was at my most vulnerable, and you didn’t check up on me to see if I was okay. I went back to Mia’s place after we split and had a full-blown panic attack. I don’t know if you knew that.”
To my therapist, I’d explained that that time in the shower felt like someone had made me wear a bra three sizes too small, tightening my chest and restricting my breathing. That alone was bad enough, but the light-headedness, rapidly beating heart, and hot flashes were also happening at the same time. It was something I never wanted to experience ever again.
I continued. “My anxiety got worse, but I sought out medical help eventually.” I lowered my shoulders and sighed. “My life had already been so stressful, but to try to graduate early on top of that, which I clearly didn’t accomplish . . . I was a wreck my last semester. And it turned out I went through all of that for nothing. I didn’t even finish ahead of schedule, I did the exact opposite.”
Close to tears, he scrubbed his hand on his chin. “God, I’m so sorry, Lily. I wish I’d paid more attention. I hate myself every time I think about it. For what it’s worth, I’m listening now. And I’m here for you, I mean it.”
Reliving that painful time of my life and talking about it with him left half of my body tingling, with the other half numb, like I’d gotten local anesthesia and the shot was wearing off. “I bottled everything inside . . . until I finally broke. It wasn’t until Mia took me to the ER for abdominal pains during exam week that last semester that she knew how badly I was silently suffering. I found out that anxiety and stress worsens the ulcers in my stomach, and well, let’s just say I’m determined to keep a Zen lifestyle now so I’m not buckled over in pain all the time.” I stared into his eyes and held a weak smile. “That was a lot I just unloaded on you. But I wanted to let you know I’m stronger now.”
He swallowed hard. “I know I don’t deserve it, but if you find it in your heart to forgive me, I’d do anything for a second chance at . . . us. I can never apologize enough for how I acted all those years ago. But I can assure you I’m not the same guy I was back then.” Jake averted his eyes to look at the ground. “That day we were leaving for Paris and Spain, I was a total asshole to you. My parents had been on my case all throughout college about how I drop out of everything—first pre-law, then premed—and threatened to cut me off financially if I didn’t have a life plan. I panicked. I didn’t want them to see me abandon the study abroad opportunity too. It was selfish and I was too preoccupied with showing them I could start and finish something for once in my life. At the very least I should have stayed a while, or called you right away, but I didn’t.”
I bit my bottom lip. “You were going through a lot too. I’m so sorry about that. I wish everything hadn’t spiraled so quickly. They say college is the best time of your life, but that’s not true for everyone.”
He sighed and peered at me through his dark lashes. “Yes, but some of my best college memories are ones with you. I spent so many years thinking about what I would do or say if I ever ran into you again. How I’d fall to my knees and ask for your forgiveness. Tell you that ten years ago I missed you so much my chest ached. But when I saw you in the CS class that first day, my heart lodged inside my throat. I could see that you’d moved on, and you were thriving without me.”
I coughed. “I’d hardly call it thriving.”
His eyes lit up. “Are you kidding me? All that you’ve done, everything you’ve accomplished, and you still don’t see it? You’re amazing, Lily. You inspired me with your return to campus. I’ve made big changes in my life because of you, and I’m hoping they’ll all pan out to make a life inside and outside academia, a life with you included, if you’ll allow it. And if you’ll let me, I want to make you my top priority.”
I waved my hand dismissively. “Well, hold on. Let’s not forget that you’re still technically my TA. The last thing I need is another scandal rocking the campus now. Everything in my life is behaving like a roaring wildfire in unpredictable winds, no need to fuel that with a tornado of Title Nine compliance warnings.”
The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile. “Understood. I don’t want to distract you from your work and studies, but I would love to start by making things right between us, even if the timing isn’t right at the moment. I can wait.”
My body shivered. “Really?”
He nodded. “When I saw you on the first day of class, my heart burst wide open. I couldn’t believe it. And as we got to know each other again, I thought, what were the odds I’d get a twice-in-a-lifetime chance with you? I was the luckiest man alive.”
Maybe he was just being overly sentimental and nostalgic. “And what about your ex? You didn’t spend that time on-and-off with her thinking she was your second chance at true love?”
“No way. Gabby was not a good person. She wasn’t only cruel to me, she also neglected the pets. She would go on last-minute overnight or multiday trips with her girlfriends when I was away for work, and sometimes she’d forget to feed Sasha and Bandit before she left. She never took Sasha out for walks. Not that I’m a stalker, but I had proof from the front-door camera footage. I had to get out of that relationship, for their sake.”
“How could you abandon Sasha and Bandit?” I cried out. “I would never do that!”
“I know.” He took a step back to look at my face. Jake brought his hands up to my cheeks. “I told myself if I ever had this chance again, I would be smart enough to never let you go. Lily Lee, I love you, even more than I did back then. I fell for you all over again, really damn hard.” His thumbs slid down the curve of my cheekbones to my jaw.
Jake Cho was the first and last person to break my heart. And that was something I couldn’t just forget. But time had passed and we had both grown and changed. I wanted this second shot as much as he did.
The words I wanted to say for so long finally came out. “I love you too, Jake.”
I stood on my tiptoes, and my lips met his. The light touch of our kiss sent tingles through my entire body.
He grinned. “Can I say one more thing, and then I’ll shut up, I promise. Remember all those years ago, when I added you to the favorites list on my phone?”
I nodded. Because back then, for Jake Cho, that was practically a wedding engagement.
He lifted his shoulders into a barely perceptible shrug. “I never removed you. In Spain, I reached out a few times and hoped you would return my calls. But even after so many years, knowing it was never going to happen, I left your name on the list. It probably doesn’t make sense, but it helped me keep my promise to you that if you ever called—”
“You would always pick up.” Tears welled in my eyes as I nodded, remembering that when he last took my call, he was walking into his dissertation presentation.
Thinking back to earlier in the semester, he had never asked me for my number. He had it saved in his phone all along.
Jake gathered me into his strong arms, and the moment our bodies connected, my skin pricked as currents of electricity raced through me. “I’m still figuring out a lot of shit about my future, and it may still take a while to get it all sorted out. But one thing I know for damn sure . . . I want you in it.”
He clarified, “In my future. Not in my shit.”
I choked out a laugh, then wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed. My cheek pressed against his firm, muscular chest, and I could hear his heart beating hard and fast.
“We better get going.” He loosened his grip and shoved his weather-chapped hands into his jacket pockets again. I locked my arm into the crook of his arm and we continued walking. As we stepped onto the sidewalk on Center Street, he bent down to unroll his jogger cuffs.
“Don’t worry, I’m keeping any smutty thoughts about your ankles to myself,” I joked.
“Much appreciated,” he quipped back. “Remember, look up here.” Forming a V, he pointed his index and middle fingers at his face.
I gazed into his eyes and sighed. No problem.