Chapter Thirty-Four
Luke
I’m first out the door and halfway to the elevator before I take a breath.
How could I have fucked things up so badly?
When I left Bakersfield, I framed it as a favor to my family. Turns out I’m no better than my father. The reasons may be different, but the outcome was the same. Two men who weren’t around, letting everyone else play cleanup in their absence. If I were here, maybe I could’ve done something sooner. Sophie has her own kids she should be worrying about. I should’ve moved home when her deadbeat ex left her.
All these men, abandoning their responsibilities. I won’t be one of them.
“Slow down,” Soph calls, jogging to catch up. “Where are you going?”
I don’t answer. Just jab the elevator button with a flat palm.
“Come on, Luke. She’s just being stubborn. I think she’ll come around.”
“Hopefully so. Otherwise it’ll be a lot harder to get her to follow the doctor’s orders.”
“Leave that to me,” Sophie insists.
Us, now.
“Luke?” Cassidy’s voice floats down the hall, tentative and soft. All the hardened, calcified fury threatens to exit my body and shatter on the ground at the sound of her.
I whip around to face her. My arms burn to circle her body, hold her against my chest.
But I can’t.
How selfish I’ve been, thinking anything would be different in my life. It’s about to get far worse. And I’ve dragged her into this.
Now I have to drag her back out.
She wrings her hands as she approaches. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.” The word is hollow. All wrong. “Fine.”
Sophie’s eyes bore a hole in the side of my face. “Why don’t you two head outside? Get some air?”
“I don’t need air,” I say quietly. “I need to be alone. I have calls to make.”
Cass digs the phone out from her backpack. “Of course, here. We’ll talk later. I need to head out, anyway. Wedding stuff. If there’s anything else I can do before I—”
“I’ll use Sophie’s phone.” I shift away from her. All I’ve done is ignore the things I’m supposed to be taking care of, throwing my family to the wolves while I had the time of my life. Getting completely wrapped up in the impossible temptation of a normal life with Cassidy.
What did I think was going to happen anyway? That my family issues would drop away because I felt the temptation to make something else a priority?
No. She doesn’t need to see this shit up close and personal. And as much as I want to draw her into my arms and soak up her warmth and light like a goddamn thirsty plant, I can’t. When she kissed me back, she didn’t know what she was signing up for.
I need to move home. As in, now. Within the month at the latest. I’ll bust my ass to show Rogelio I’m ready to lead the firm’s West Coast expansion and then keep right on busting my ass to prove he made the right choice once I’m here. Round-the-clock work with even higher management stakes, just on a different coast. And when I’m not working, I’ll be with the family.
I’ll do it for Sophie, for my mother, and for my nieces, who don’t deserve to grow up in an unstable house.
“I’m going to give you two a minute.” Sophie throws me one last inscrutable look before disappearing to the waiting room.
“You should probably go, Cassidy.” I avoid her eye even as she tries to catch it.
“You’re not okay. What can I do?” Cassidy closes the distance between us, achingly beautiful in her concern. My chest splinters as she wraps her arms around my waist. “Let me help.”
“You can’t.” The words sound as hopeless as I feel. “There’s nothing you can do.”
She squeezes tighter, and fuck it, I close my arms around her and take. I breathe her in and let the sweetness of her scent sting my lungs. One last time.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur into her hair.
She pulls back and searches my face. “For what?”
Where to even begin? Apologize for telling her I’ll try when I don’t know how to be enough for her and everyone else all at the same time. For not being the man she needs and deserves while my attention and time is already spoken for. For turning out to be no better than the string of men who have left my family behind, and here I am, about to leave her behind, too.
“Why are you apologizing?” She severs our physical connection, leaving me cold. “What aren’t you saying?”
“I can’t talk about this right now. I’m not sure I can do this.” I shake my head. “You’ve got to go.”
“Can’t do this? As in…us?”
I say nothing.
Her gaze softens. “Listen, I understand you’ve got a lot going on.”
Emotion sinks in my body, lowering me to a place I don’t want to go. Not while I’m still in her presence and susceptible to her arresting gaze. It’s enough to make me want to take it all back before it’s even out of my mouth. “No, you don’t understand. And I don’t want you to. These are my problems. It’s my life. I told you things were complicated. I warned you that I’ve got a lot I have to deal with. Well, that just multiplied tenfold.”
Her face flashes pure pain. “Oh. Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed your boundaries.”
I grip my face and drag my hand down my mouth. She’s sorry. This perfect, sweet woman is looking at me like she did something wrong.
I let this get so out of control.
“Don’t apologize.” I step into her bubble, and she shrinks. “The last thing I want is for you to be sorry. Or to regret anything. I kissed you first. I wanted every last bit of this.”
“Wanted. Past tense.” She presses the call button on the elevator. “I get it. Clean break. It’s easier.”
Her frantic tone claws at my heart. “Yes. I’m trying to make it easier by saving you from a whole lot of shit I promise you don’t want to deal with.”
She jabs the button another four times. “I get it. I’ll get out of your way.”
This could not possibly be going worse. “It’s not you, Cassidy. If things were different…” I curse under my breath to stop myself from making another promise I can’t keep. “Please don’t walk away upset. This was the best fucking week of my life, all right? Just because I can’t give you what you want—”
“You never asked what I want!” Her gaze catches mine, and my own misery is reflected in their depths. “You have no idea what I want. Or what I’m willing to do to get it. You decided for both of us without so much as a conversation. But it doesn’t matter now. I don’t want to be one more thing on your plate. Good luck, Luke. Truly. I hope your mom’s okay.”
The elevator door slides open, and she steps inside. Every cell in my body screams at me to catch her by the waist and reel her in. Bury my face in her hair and hold her here.
But, fuck, she deserves more than this. Because life with me would come with caveats, exceptions, a certain kind of darkness that will dull her light. It’d come with two thousand miles of distance, apologies on the phone when I have to cancel trips or calls, and complications I can’t run away from.
We stare at each other for three excruciating seconds as the door slides closed between us. Visions of everything we’ll never have flicker and fade before my eyes.
It’s in Cassidy’s best interest not to waste any more time on the idea of us.
The elevator door closes with a final-sounding clunk.
Even as it destroys me to watch her walk away.