CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Rosie
Once upon a time I loved Christmas.
As a kid, I’d lived for this time of the year. It had nothing to do with the gifts or the never-ending supply of sweets. It had always been about the magic. The love.
It was suspended in the air, like pixie dust, sprinkled on top of everything and everyone, making the world look a little brighter. A lot better.
I thought I’d grow out of it at some point in my life, probably in middle school. It was only natural to stop being as excited for things like putting up the tree or getting your old Santa jammies out of the closet. I thought that I’d become a little more irritated by the snow blanketing the city or the harrowing quest to find gifts for everyone. But that never really happened.
My love for Christmas never faded.
Until this year.
For the first time in my life, the season had knocked on my door and I couldn’t have cared less.
I didn’t put up a tree. I left those red and green pajamas in the drawer. I finally saw the snow for what it was—a muddy and gray mess. And I hadn’t bought gifts for anyone.
I had even been tempted to pack my things and leave for somewhere far, far away. Somewhere where they didn’t celebrate Christmas.
Yes. Against all odds, I’d turned into the Grinch. My chest, once filled with fuzzy feelings, was nothing more than an open pit now. And the worst part? It wasn’t even bitterness. It wasn’t anger or frustration; it was hopelessness. The joke was on me, I guessed, because I couldn’t even become the grouchy, irritable Grinch. Instead, I had to be a sad, heartsick version of it.
Just like I’d figured out that day I showed up at my dad’s from the airport, for the first time in my life I had had my heart broken. Truly broken. And that took time to… deal with, to learn how to live with the notion of missing a future I’d barely had any time to imagine. To learn how to live missing him.
Because I missed Lucas.
I missed being in love with the idea of love, too.
Because now, I was an engineer turned romance writer who barely survived the most magical and romantic time of the year.
The irony wasn’t lost on me.
And yet, I somehow managed to go through Christmas without a breakdown, only leaving the apartment twice—on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day—just to pretend that I was doing fine, that I was kind of okay. And eventually, my inner Grinch and I watched everyone take their trees down and sighed in relief thinking, Well, fucking finally.
And without really knowing how, I miscalculated and ended up faced with everything I had tried so hard to avoid.
New Year’s Eve.
New Year’s freaking Eve.
So here I was, in the middle of the fanciest party my best friend had managed to find, clad in a cocktail dress and a pair of high heels she had picked out for me. Holding a flute glass that she had placed in my hand. And trying and failing to smile at all these people drunk with hope and new resolutions.
“More champagne, Rosie?”
“Sure,” I absentmindedly answered, nodding my head. “I might as well drown it.”
Lina snickered. “Drown what?”
Sad Grinch Rosie. “Nothing.” She refilled my glass, and I noticed the bottle in her hand. “Where did you get that bottle from?”
“Contacts.” She smiled, pouring golden liquid until it reached the brim. “Now drink up.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What about your glass?”
“Oh.” She waved a hand, and I noticed that she didn’t have a glass in front of her. Had she been even drinking tonight? Heck if I knew. “The champagne is just for you, bestie. So you loosen up a little.”
My eyes turned to thin slits.
Lina rolled hers. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not trying to get you drunk.” A pause, then she muttered under her breath, “Trust me.”
Before I could even attempt to parse that last part, Aaron reappeared. He placed himself behind his wife, just like he always did, snaking an arm around her in that organic and natural way that would have made two-months-ago-Rosie swoon. Sad Grinch Rosie sighed and averted her eyes.
Without any kind of warning a memory flashed: Lucas, standing behind me, just like Aaron did with Lina. But we hadn’t been at a fancy party; we’d been in my kitchen, cooking breakfast, and Lucas had been laughing, the sound rumbling out of his chest and making me smile.
Ugh.
Would I ever stop missing him?
What was I even doing here?
Pulling out my phone, I checked the time. Fifteen minutes until midnight. And I was giving myself sixteen before I left. I’d give the woo-hoo to the new year and then scatter. That was all I promised Lina and myself.
I glanced at my best friend, finding her looking at me with a big, scary smile.
“Hmm…” I said, frowning. “What are you grinning about?”
She didn’t answer, and slid my glass closer to my hand.
The people around us started shifting, the atmosphere growing restless as they looked for that person they’d be kissing at the end of the countdown.
I grabbed the glass and tipped it back, emptying it in one gulp.
“It’s okay, bestie,” Lina said patting my free hand. “It’ll all be over soon.”
Yes, because I’d be going home to hide under my comforter. “Right.”
For some reason, I glanced at Aaron, and I found him smiling, too. I did a double take, taking them in for a moment. “Are you two… okay?”
Their twin smiles widened, making me wonder if they were high. Because Aaron had never ever grinned like this, like a… maniac, except for the day they got married, and because Lina kept saying weird stuff, looking at me funny. And it was all freaking me out.
Unless… unless they were just high on life and love and whatever this stupid night represented.
“I’m happy you’re… happy.” I checked my phone again. Ten minutes to go. “Can I get more champagne?”
“How’s Olly doing, by the way?” Lina asked through her psycho grin as she refilled my glass. Again.
I knew what she was doing—entertaining me, distracting me, because she had been going at it the whole evening—but I humored her. At least Olly was a topic that brought me some solace. “He’s good. Happy to be home.”
“Joe finally wrapped his head around what happened?”
“Took some time, but yes. Mostly, because no matter what happened, it doesn’t change the fact that Olly’s back.”
Lina nodded her head, her gaze warming. “He’s one big piece of bread, your dad.”
Aaron snickered. “That doesn’t translate literally, baby. You mean Joe is a teddy bear.”
My best friend rolled her eyes. “Yes, and Rosie got it anyway. You guys understand what I mean just fine.”
That made the corners of my mouth tip up because contrary to what she believed, I actually had no idea what she had meant. All I knew was that it had been something good because Lina adored my dad.
“And look”—Lina pointed a finger at my face—“I even got a teeny-tiny smile out of her. It’s the first one in weeks!”
That teeny-tiny smile fell off my face. “Anyway.” I shrugged. “I got Olly an interview with the contractor that took care of my apartment.”
I had been talking to Aiden on the phone after Mr. Allen had passed on his contact, when he’d told me he needed more manpower and was considering taking apprentices. So I’d asked him if he might be open to hiring someone without experience. He’d said yes, and when I brought it up with Olly, he not only seemed interested, but excited about the idea.
“That’s amazing, Rosie,” Lina said with a little clap. “Let’s hope for the best. And if he needs any tips, we can send Aaron to prep him for the interview. If Olly survives that, he’ll get any job he wants. You know how scary Aaron can be and—”
“Funny.” Aaron cut her off with a quick kiss on her temple, leaving my best friend a little dazzled. Then, he turned to me. “But if you think it will help, send him to me.”
“Thanks, Aaron,” I told him honestly. I knew Aaron had plenty experience conducting interviews, and while InTech and Aiden’s business were completely different beasts, any help would be welcome. “I think it’s a good idea, but I’ll let Olly decide how he wants to prepare for it.”
Without any kind of warning, the lights dimmed, and a single beam illuminated a screen that had been installed high on one of the walls.
Cheers erupted around us, signaling the moment everyone had been waiting for.
Everyone except for me, of course.
Lina clapped her hands under her chin, her grin growing impossibly wider, and I made myself smile at her with something that wasn’t sadness. I didn’t think I was very successful at it, but her expression didn’t fall, so I guessed it didn’t completely suck. Then, she grabbed my hand and dragged us away from the table and into the agitated throng of people.
“Do we really have to?” I asked.
She patted my hand. “Yes.”
Two golden numbers flashed bright on the big screen, a one and a zero; and I could taste on my tongue the anticipation of everyone around me.
Okay, just a few more seconds to go and I’ll be free.
My best friend situated herself between her husband and me, people moving past us, around us, probably between us if we had let them, wanting to get closer to the screen, or looking for those they wanted by their side when those numbers started making their way back to zero.
Lina turned her head and met my gaze. There was something in her gaze, something I couldn’t decipher. She looked at me like she never had before, like… like she’d walk through fire for me. Like she was holding herself from hugging me. Her eyes watered, and exactly a second before the countdown started and chaos ensued, she said, “Make a wish, Rosie. It might come true.”
A little taken aback by her words, I unconsciously closed my eyes and listened to the chanted numbers as we strolled straight into the new year, unable to shake Lina’s words.
Ten!
Make a wish.
Nine!
It might come true.
Eight!
I wanted nothing. Nothing… except for one thing.
Seven!
One person.
Six!
The one person in the world I wished with all my heart were here. With me.
Five!
The man I was helplessly in love with.
Four!
The man I wished I could kiss tonight. And every single night after this.
Three!
And while my eyes were still closed, I felt someone grab my hand. The grip was warm, strong. Familiar.
Two!
My heart tumbled in my rib cage, coming alive after being dormant for weeks.
I was gently tugged forward, brought against a chest.
The scent of clean soap and sea salt hit me, making everything inside my body tighten and shake. Vibrate with possibility.
One!
Air stuck in my throat as I felt a breath against my lips.
A kiss was brushed against my jaw.
And then, when I thought it couldn’t be, that my mind was playing games because this was too much, four words were whispered in my ear. “Open your eyes, preciosa.”
Happy New Year!
My eyes blinked open, and I… Lord.
A sob climbed up my throat. I didn’t know why, or how, because I thought I’d cried all the tears I had, but it did. I cried because standing in front of me was my wish. My one and only wish.
Lucas.
And there was so much I didn’t understand, so much to figure out, but I was a fool in love who had missed him with all my being, so I couldn’t do anything but stumble into him. I questioned my sight, my sanity, the banging in my chest, as I felt tears trailing down my cheeks. Happy tears, sad tears, all kinds of tears. Because he was here. Somehow, he was standing in front of me, in a dark suit, his hair disheveled, and his eyes the warmest I’d ever seen.
He’d come back? How? Why?
Lucas’s hands clasped my face, that grin of his parting his handsome face. “Don’t cry, Rosie.” He pressed his forehead to mine, his hold on my face growing desperate, pleading. “No more tears, no more.”
Aware only of him, I didn’t know where the tiny sparks of color falling around us came from; I just knew Lucas was here, with me. And he was holding on to me like I had wished he had that day at the airport.
I felt the words against the skin of my temple when he said, “Happy New Year, ángel. I’ve missed you so much.”
My lips parted, and my hands went to his wrists, my fingers closing around them, feeling his pulse under his warm skin.
“Lucas,” I whispered. “You’re here. Why are you here?”
His forehead came against mine, and his body stepped even closer to mine, causing a shiver to trail down my spine at the feel of him. “I’m here because I love you. Because I thought I had to walk away, Rosie. Because I didn’t feel worthy of you. Of us. And because I’m ready to grovel as much as I need to to get you back.”
A sound I didn’t understand climbed up my throat.
His hold of my face tightened. “Walking away from you like that was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. But now, I understand. Now I know that I couldn’t claim you without wanting to become a better man for myself. Without wanting to get there on my own.” His nose trailed along mine, his lips coming so very close to mine, hovering with the promise of a kiss I desperately needed. “But I’m not going anywhere now. If you’ll take me back. If you’ll have me.” The pads of his fingers tangled in my hair as he tilted my head back so he could look at me. “Will you? Do you still want me?”
The question left me so breathless that I couldn’t utter a word.
“I have so much to tell you, Rosie. So much to explain, but—” He stopped himself, coming even closer, his hold turning more urgent, his voice dropping with the need I felt surging through me, too. “I need you. I need you to take me back so I can show you.”
“Lucas,” I finally said, “would you just… stop talking and kiss me? Please.”
I didn’t need to look at him, to see him, to know that he was smiling when he took my mouth. Because when his lips finally met mine, I felt it. Deep in my bones. I felt his beautiful smile, his kindness, his selflessness, his honesty, his love. I felt all the things that made him him and that I adored so much. Everything that had made me fall so helplessly in love with him.
He parted my lips, deepening the kiss, telling me with it how much he’d missed me, how sorry he was, how much he needed me and wanted me. And I took all of it. I took it for myself, keeping it in the safe place where I’d stored everything else he’d given me and I’d thought I’d lost. Only now, it didn’t hurt anymore. Now it only filled me with happiness. It made me float.
When we came up for air, his gaze met mine, looking at me like he had something precious in front of him. Something invaluable. Something he wasn’t planning on ever letting go.
“You’ve killed Sad Grinch Rosie,” I croaked in a broken voice.
Lucas laughed. “I’ve missed you so much, Rosie.” His throat bobbed. “This mouth.” The pad of his thumb grazed my bottom lip. “These eyes.” It moved to my brow. “This beautiful face.” He leaned down, brushing his lips along my cheek. “But most of all, I’ve missed this.” Lucas’s palm pressed against my chest, where my heart was thrumming out of control, wanting out, wanting to leave me and go to him. “And I have no right over it anymore, but God, I want it for myself. I want it so badly.” He paused, like it was impossibly hard for him to continue. “I hope I can have it.”
My hands trailed up his arms, reaching his face. I brushed his hair back. “You do,” I told him, looking up at him, letting him see just how much. “You always did and you always will.”
I hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath until his chest moved, and air left his nose shakily. “Good,” he said, leaning his face on my touch. “That’s good. Otherwise what’s coming next would have been a little awkward.”
My mouth parted, but before I could utter a word, the song over the speakers registered.
Slowly, I became aware of my surroundings. New Year’s Eve. The party. Lina and Aaron. Confetti dusted over every surface. The opening line of the track that had marked the start of something before I could know what it would lead to.
I glanced up at Lucas again, finding that pair of brown eyes filled with the same emotion flooding my chest.
“Our song,” I barely managed to say, something clogging my throat. “Rosie and Lucas’s Soundtrack.”
Lucas shrugged, the corner of his lips tipping up, and then he lowered his head, grazing my ear with his mouth. “I told you to make it count.” A shiver crawled down my arms, my whole body coming alive at that simple touch. “Will you dance with me, Rosalyn Graham?”
“Yes,” I told him. Then, I repeated it for good measure. “Yes, yes.”
His arms rearranged around me, one of his hands traveling all the way to the nape of my neck and slipping in my hair. “I know this is not a song to slow-dance to, but I don’t think I can stay away from you a second longer.”
Lucas tilted my head back, and he kissed me again. Intently. Honestly. Wordlessly granting me a little piece of himself I hadn’t had access to before. My arms linked behind his neck and I couldn’t do anything but pull him to me and give him access to whatever I had left.
His mouth left mine, his lips soft along my jaw. “I wish we weren’t in the middle of a party,” he admitted low and only for me. “That I had you all to myself right now. But that needs to wait, anyway. There’s so much I need you to hear first.”
Sobering up, I nodded, letting him sway us softly. “Then tell me. Tell me everything, Lucas.”
“I left you without an explanation, back there at the airport,” he said, swallowing hard. “And for that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I somehow let you believe that what I was feeling for you wasn’t strong enough, powerful enough for me to be with you. I let you believe that you weren’t enough for me, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.”
My palms grabbed the back of his neck, my fingers slipping in his soft hair. “Lucas, you don’t have to apologize for that.” And he shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. “I blindsided you in an attempt at making you understand what I felt for you. It was too much, too soon.”
“It wasn’t. That’s why I need you to hear this, Rosie. Because you—” His features pinched. “Because you were everything. You are. Don’t you see?”
“Then…” I trailed off, terrified of asking. Because I’d played with the question so often that I no longer knew what to expect. “Why did you leave like that?”
“I was convinced that I was doing the right thing.” A muscle in his jaw jumped. “I never doubted that you wanted me, but I didn’t think you always would. I thought you were settling, Rosie. And if I didn’t believe I was the man for you, why would you?”
His words broke my heart all over again, because how could this kind, thoughtful, and selfless man ever think that of himself?
“I left Spain a shell of myself, and I’d been that way for a while before that. The rug had been pulled from under my feet, Rosie, and I was left without the single thing I knew how to do, without the person I knew how to be. I couldn’t offer you just that, Rosie.” He shook his head. “You deserve someone who challenges you, who shares the weight on your shoulders, someone who lays the world at your feet. And I… could barely manage to walk without cracking under my own weight. So how was I supposed to do any of that for you?”
I rose to my tiptoes, and kissed the corner of his mouth, telling him I was listening, I understood.
“But then,” Lucas continued, and his voice cracked with barely contained emotion. “Then, I read your book. The one you wrote while we lived together, were together. The one born from our dates.”
My lips parted, my heart raced in my chest. “Lina sent it to me, told me to read it. And I… God. Everything I didn’t believe of myself, everything I couldn’t possibly think you saw in me, was there. I saw myself through your eyes. You loved me. And knowing someone like you could love me when I wasn’t whole only made me want to do more. Be more. It made me want to become a better man for myself. A worthy one, for me and you. To prove you right. It made me want to earn that love you were willing to give me, Rosie. And that’s what I’m doing. Or trying to do.”
There was something else in his gaze, something fierce, passionate, something I had only gotten small glimpses of in the time I’d known him.
“I wasted so much time pitying myself, thinking of what I had lost, that I didn’t see what I still had. What I could have.” His palm moved to cup my face. “I’m back to physical therapy; I’ve only done a few sessions, but I’m committed. I’m also talking to someone about my panic attacks, learning to process what happened. I finally told everyone about the accident, apologized for being an idiot, and I… thought about you, Rosie. Every day, every night. Until what you said that night with Alexia and Adele, in Lina’s studio, came back to me. It was an itch, a buzz in the back of my head. And… it suddenly made sense. I think it always had.”
“What did?”
“Culinary school. I was just too blind to see it. Too stubborn and hopeless. I still believe I’m too old for it, and I know I might fail, but I’m determined to try. Because it’s what I want, the thing, beside you, that makes me dream of a future again.”
Tears rushed to my ears, happiness swelling my chest.
He continued, “I got in touch with Alexia and she’s going to help me with everything. I will apply to school, Rosie. Here in New York.”
I jumped into his arms, bringing my face to his neck, and he laughed. He let out a deep and honest laugh.
“It will take some time to get everything ready: the paperwork for the visa, the school application, everything,” he said in my ear. “So, I really hope you’re open to do long distance with me, ángel. I’m praying that you will because—”
“Yes, Lucas. Yes.” I moved so I could plant a kiss on his lips. “I’ll visit you in Spain as often as I can, write from there. And the rest of the time, we’ll do long distance. Even if I’ll miss you every day. For as long as we have to.”
He laughed again, and it was a glorious sound. “We’re talking long months of phone sex, ángel.”
I grinned. “Can’t think of a better way to use our phones.”
Lucas’s eyes filled with a kind of wonder that left me breathless, the kind that had the power to change a life. He placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me around. I felt him lean down and then he said, “Good, because remember I said this could get awkward if you didn’t want me back?”
He pointed at the screen where the countdown had been.
I blinked, a new rush of happy tears making it hard for me to see what was displayed. And right there, right in front of me, it read,
Rosalyn Graham,
Will you be my best friend?
My roommate.
My Dancing Queen.
My experiment life partner.
My heart.
Will you be mine, just like I’m completely, hopelessly yours?
Then, the words “I love you, Rosie,” from the lips of the man I loved were whispered in my ear. “I love you like I’d never loved anything before. And I’ll love you for the rest of my life if you let me.” And before I could even process what I was doing, I was turning in his arms and I was looking into his brown eyes, giving him the easiest yes I’d ever have to give anyone.