CHAPTER THIRTY
Rosie
I stared at the wall of my dad’s guest bedroom.
With a sigh, I braced myself for a new wave of tears, but it didn’t come.
I must have emptied my tank by now—which, all things considered, was only natural when one cried for hours. To my credit, I’d held it all in on my way out of the airport. I hadn’t shed one tear on my way back to the city or in the train to Philly, either. Not even when I realized that I still had Lucas’s bomber jacket wrapped around me, his scent surrounding me.
Only when I climbed the steps to Dad’s door did my eyes start burning, readying me for what was to come. And just as Dad opened it I finally broke down.
He pulled me to him like the hundreds of times he’d done when I was a kid and I just wept. I let it all out.
I still had no idea why I’d gone to him, all the way to Philadelphia; I’d never done this as an adult before. Not once. Every time I’d been dumped, or my relationship had gone sideways I’d always called Lina, downed a pint of ice cream, felt bad for myself for a couple of days, and moved on.
But this didn’t feel like any of those times. It felt like someone had pulled me apart. Disassembled me and left all the parts scattered around. Too dispersed for me to attempt to piece anything back together.
And after staring at this wall for the longest time, I had realized that none of what I’d experienced up to this day had been heartbreak.
This was heartbreak.
So I guessed that was why I’d come here. To the place that would provide the type of comfort I hadn’t needed in years. My dad’s.
By the time I’d run out of tears, I’d opened a different kind of gate. The one that had been keeping in all the things I hadn’t told Dad and Olly. So I told them about writing that first book, about the way I’d felt when that door had somehow opened for me and I’d felt happy, blessed, complete in a way I hadn’t before. I told them about quitting my job and hiding it from them, about lying, because I’d been terrified, paralyzed by the pressure I’d put on myself. The stakes. The possibility of them not understanding how important this dream was for me. And they had listened. Just like a small part of me, the one that hadn’t been ridden with fear and insecurities, knew they would.
“Bean,” Dad said when I’d finished. “Why would you ever think you had to keep this from me?”
I hiccupped and told him, “I was terrified you’d be disappointed in me. Scared for me, when I was plenty scared for the both of us. I… didn’t want to hear that the one leap of faith I’d ever taken was a mistake. I didn’t think you’d understand. I thought that perhaps you’d judge me. I don’t know.”
“Of course, I’m scared,” Dad had answered. “I’m terrified for you. I will always be, Bean. But that’s part of loving someone. You want them to thrive, to succeed, to accomplish any dream they reach for, but you also want to protect them. To soften any blow that might come. But I’d never be disappointed in you.” He had paused and then added, “And I’ll always make an effort to understand, Bean.”
I hugged him tightly. “Even if you’ve never read a romance book?”
“There’s a first time for everything. And who cares what an old man like me thinks? Who cares what anyone thinks?” He’d sighed. “You shouldn’t have kept this from me.”
And I really, really shouldn’t have.
I shouldn’t have kept from Lucas how I really felt about him, either. That I loved him. Even if that wouldn’t have changed a single thing.
Life was too short, too brittle, to keep secrets and live in half-truths. Even when we thought that we were protecting those we loved. Or protecting ourselves. Our hearts. Because the reality was that without honesty, without truth, we never lived fully.
And I was starting to understand just how much.
“And now about this boy…” Dad had said after that, reminding me of a time when everything was far simpler, because I’d just been Bean and Dad had been able to fix everything with a plate of waffles for dinner.
But I wasn’t a kid anymore, and Lucas wasn’t a boy whose name I’d scribbled in my diary.
Lucas was the man I’d fallen in love with. The man I’d chased through an airport in an attempt to become my own romance heroine. Only, in this story, the hero had taken flight and left me on land with a broken heart.
A knock startled me, making my gaze sway to the door.
“Rosie, cariño,” Lina said, looking at me in that way only your best friend would. Like they were ready to kill whoever hurt you but also smack you up the head if you pulled off something stupid. “Your dad called me. And wow, Joe wasn’t lying. You look like shit.”
I didn’t know if it was the look on her face, or the fact that I had been needing my best friend and I had kept her away because of my own stupidity, but I burst into tears again.
Lina rushed to the bed, and before I knew what was happening, her arms were around me.
She waited while I let it all out, again, just like I had done with Dad, only this was different. Because this was Lina, and there was no one in the world who understood me better than she did.
After a while, we lay on our sides, her body stretched beside mine, and I told her everything. Like I should have done when I realized I was falling in love with her cousin. When I finished, Lina remained quiet, understanding across her face.
“I’m so sorry, Lina,” I murmured, my voice scratchy and rough from all the talking and crying. “I didn’t mean to keep this from you. Not for this long but it all happened so… fast.”
She reached out for my hand and clasped it in hers. “I get it, you know?” she admitted with a shrug. “I might have been a little… hard on the idea of the two of you together. And that wasn’t fair to you or Lucas.”
“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It does, Rosie. You’re my best friend and I love you.” She grabbed my hand. “So of course it matters. Also… it’s really hard to be mad at you when you’re crying. It would be like kicking a cute but very sad puppy.”
That only managed to remind me of Taco, of Lucas.
I sighed. “I’m the furthest thing from cute right now, and we both know that.”
Her head tilted. “Yeah, you’re right. You’ve always been an ugly crier. But I still love you.”
That didn’t pull a laugh out of me, but I felt a little… lighter. Only because, if anything, I still had my best friend. That’d never change. Not even after I had kept something like this from her.
Lina hummed. “Can I ask you something?”
I nodded.
“Why did you think it would work?” she said, her expression turning serious. “Why did you think that this… dating experiment would lead to anything other than this?”
That was a very good question, I guessed. “I was desperate, Lina. Quitting InTech to write had somehow… increased the pressure I put on myself, so much that I felt sucked under a current. Dragged down by something I couldn’t control. The higher the stakes, the more blocked I became. So, when Lucas offered”—my breath hitched at the memory of his smile—“I wanted to say yes. Because it was him, but also because I wanted it to work. Maybe somehow I knew that he’d manage to make it work.”
And I guessed a part of me always knew that as long as it was him… I’d be inspired. I’d fall in love.
“So even after my own firsthand experience with faking love and dates and such,” she said, “you still thought playing charades with someone you might like wouldn’t confuse your feelings.”
“They’re not confused, Lina.”
Her brows wrinkled.
And before she asked, I said it, because what was the point in keeping anything else from her?
“I love him, Lina. I’m in love with Lucas. There’s nothing uncertain or confusing about how I feel.”
Lina didn’t speak for a few seconds, something in her eyes changing, dawning with more understanding.
“Did it help?” she asked. “Did Lucas make a difference in your book?”
“Yes,” I told her and, God, I guessed my tank had been far from empty because I wanted to cry again. “So much. He’s…” I shook my head.
She squeezed my hand. “Tell me.”
“He’s magic, Lina. He’s selfless and kind. He’s sweet and commanding. He managed to make me feel lighter, to make it all better. He has the most beautiful smile. And you probably don’t want to hear it, but the sex with him was something I’d never experienced before, something…” The pressure in my chest increased, making everything feel tight. “Lucas is the best man I’d ever known and I… really, really wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him. I thought for a second that maybe he would and now—”
Now my eyes burned again and if I finished that statement I’d need to gasp for air.
Lina started blinking, her eyes getting watery in return.
“Don’t you dare cry, too,” I told her with a broken laugh.
“Jesus, Rosie. I had no idea.” She shook her head. “But I guess… I guess it makes sense in a way.”
I frowned. “What does?”
“You know I suspected you guys were probably hooking up from the moment I saw you together.” My mouth opened, but she stopped me with a hand. “Maybe that was why I was a little hard on the idea. Even when Aaron told me a hundred times that you probably weren’t just having sex.” She shrugged. “I didn’t believe him until he finally told me what Lucas had done for you on that rooftop. Did you know Aaron helped him with the photos and the cake? Without me knowing? It was in that moment that I knew. And after that, it was really hard not to notice how Lucas was… different.”
“Different?” I breathed out.
“It was the way he moved around you, the way he watched you.”
My face must have filled with raw pain because Lina paled.
“Sorry, that’s really not helping,” she said quickly. “Okay, so is book two done? Ready?”
It was, for the most part. That was how much Lucas had changed everything. “Yes.”
“Will you let me read it?”
“I’ll send it to you tonight, when I get home.”
“I’m so proud of you, Rosie.” She scooted closer, placing a kiss on my cheek. When she returned to her position, she looked at me for a moment, amusement entering her expression. “I can’t believe you ran after him at the airport like a total romance hero.”
I groaned, not because I regretted it—I’d do it again—but because I knew that years from today, Lina was never going to let me forget this.
“Not my brightest idea.”
We smiled at each other, but just as quickly, our lips fell.
“Did he at least give you a good reason?” my best friend asked.
The question seemed to spin in my head, and even after thinking for a long time I didn’t seem to find an answer. So I told her the best next thing I could find, “Before we went on that first date, he promised me he would never fall in love in with me.” I shifted so I could rest my head on her shoulder. “So maybe… maybe I shouldn’t have forgotten that.”
Lina didn’t say anything, and I didn’t, either.
We just lay on the bed, in silence, until Dad walked in and asked, “Waffles? Olly is setting the table.”