sofia
“You have a delivery,” Addison says, walking into my office. I look up from my computer screen and see she is carrying a crystal vase of flowers and a square white box in the other hand. “They smell wonderful,” she notes, putting the vase at the corner of my desk, the smell of roses fills the office. “And this is for you.” She hands me the box. “I wonder who they are from?” She winks at me.
“Yes, I wonder,” Clarabella says, walking into my office. “What does the card say?”
“I have no idea,” I reply, looking at the white box in my hand with a big light blue satin bow. I pull the sash as it falls away from the box. Opening the box, the white card is on top of the tissue paper.
My name is written in the middle of the card, and I know that writing. Taking the card out, I read what he had written to me.
I loved you before. I love you now. I will love you always.
M.
My heart speeds up, my stomach gets tight, there is a mix of emotions I’m going through, and it feels like I’m on a merry-go-round that has yet to stop but is going full speed around. “Um,” I deflect, not sure I can repeat what is on the card without my voice quivering. I don’t even bother looking up at them when I hold the card out.
I don’t know who takes it until I hear the gasp. “Oh my,” Addison says, and I blink away the tears in my eyes. I see her hand it to Clarabella, who looks down at the card, her eyes going as big as saucers as she turns back to look at me.
“What’s in the box?” she asks, and my hands tremble as I pull the tissue flap open on one side and then on the other.
A frame sits in the middle of the box with three picture slots. Before, Now, After are the headings under the three picture slots. I am not the one gasping when I look down at the first picture in the box. It was taken on our first night out four years ago. Matthew is looking at the camera with his hat on backward smiling, and my face is turned to his side in profile and is filled with such a big smile that my eyes crinkle at the sides.
My eyes go immediately to the next picture taken late last night after we finished cleaning up my kitchen and putting away the food my grandmother sent. He was telling me about how nervous he was with my grandfather and also telling me he’s going to put white hockey tape on top of the Ring camera. He had me laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes. He pulled me to him and kissed my lips before he whipped out his phone. I had no idea how the picture even came out because as soon as he took it, he put the phone down, and then picked me up and took me upstairs where we took a bubble bath together.
“Is that?” Clarabella asks, leaning over. “Pictures?”
“It is.” I swallow down the lump, looking at the empty slot for the third picture.
I pick up the frame and turn it to her. “Whoa,” she says, “is that—”
“It’s nothing,” I say, trying to grab it back from her and tuck it back in the white box.
“Is that?” she asks as she looks from one picture to the next.
“Yeah, it’s the same picture, just a couple of years apart,” I confirm, trying not to dwell on it, while also trying not to freak out that he still had the picture of us lying around that he could have found it.
“How is it that you have the same look in both pictures?” Clarabella laughs while she asks the question.
“I do not!” I shriek. “I certainly do not.” I look over at Addison, who has a scared look, probably because I sound like a crazy lunatic right now.
Clarabella is unfazed by my tone and all she does is look at me and burst out laughing even more. “Yes, you do.” She hands me back the frame. “It’s there in both pictures. It’s love, and it’s written all over your face.”
I put my hand to my chest in shock, as if she had just told me the tooth fairy wasn’t real the morning after I lost a tooth and came up empty-handed. “I don’t love him.” The words taste wrong as soon as I say them, and I hate it. “I like him.” My eyebrows shoot up. “A bit.”
“You’re lying.” Clarabella points a finger at me. I look down at the frame, and I can’t even try to tell her that she’s full of it. If I didn’t know myself and I looked at these pictures, I would probably—most likely—think the same thing.
“I can’t love him.” I say the words. My voice is almost a whisper as it dawns on me that I went and fucking fell in love with him. “This is me getting him out of my system.” I look at Clarabella, who just nods her head at me without telling me sure it is.
“That is what this is.” I look over at Addison, who smiles at me almost like, you poor thing. I get up, the chair flying back. “I’m not in love with him,” I tell them both, wrapping up the frame in the white box. “This is…” I try to think of the words to say. “Nothing.” I look at both of them as I put the cover on the box and walk around my desk. My body is filled with endless nerves. I grab my purse, picking it up, “I’m,” I say, looking at them, “I’ll see you both tomorrow. Good night.”
“It’s ten a.m.,” Addison states and Clarabella just claps her hands together as she bursts out laughing.
“Call me if you need anything,” I tell Addison and storm out, pissed at myself for letting this get to me again.
“Unbelievable,” I mumble as I toss my purse on the seat beside me and then put the white box on top of it.
I don’t even know how long it takes me to get home, but I park in the garage when I do. I leave the box and my purse in the car before walking into the house. The phone pings in my hand, and I see it’s from Matthew
Did you like the gift?
“No,” I tell myself, “no, I did not.” My fingers are on the keypad, ready to answer him.
What gift? In meetings back-to-back. Have three bride meetings today, will only finish really late. I’ll call you when I’m done.
I press send before I walk straight upstairs to my bedroom. The covers are still all messed up from this morning when we had sex as soon as my alarm started ringing. I kick off my heels and undress before I strip the bed and wash the sheets. My phone rings a couple of times, and every time, it’s Matthew. The sun goes down, and I make sure all the blinds are closed around the house. I sit in the middle of my bed with the television on, but the sound as low as can be. The phone on the night side table with unanswered texts from Matthew.
Do you want to come here after work?
Swung by the office to drop off something to eat. Where are you?
Can you call me?
I ignore the phone calls. I ignore the text messages. I ignore it all. Lying in bed, I watch the hours tick by when I hear my phone ringing at midnight, right before the knock on my door. “Fuck,” I mouth without saying anything.
“Sofia,” he says my name as I sneak down the stairs, trying not to make a sound. “If you don’t open the door,” he warns, his voice clear as day, “I’m calling your grandfather and telling him I can’t find you.” I close my eyes, wondering if he would really do that. “I don’t have his number, but I’m sure I can get a hold of someone.” I finally step down the last step. “Maybe if I speak into the Ring camera,” he says, and I shake my head, knowing he’s not going to go away. “Open the door, Sofia.”
I unlock the door and slowly open the door. “Fuck,” Matthew hisses. “Thank God you’re okay.” He walks in and grabs me around my waist, burying his face in my neck. “I was so worried.” He puts me down, and I stare at him. “Were you here all night long?” he asks.
“Yes,” I reply softly.
“Why the silence?” He asks the question, his voice as soft as mine.
“Because I didn’t feel like talking to you,” I answer him honestly.
He looks into my eyes, searching for something. “Care to tell me why?”
“No.” I shake my head at the same time I say the word.
“What’s going on?” His eyes never leave mine.
I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I speak the words I’ve been repeating to myself all night. Ignoring how the pain in my chest is even stronger now that I’m actually saying them to him and not just in my head.
He folds his arms over his chest. “Define this?”
I throw up my hands. “Me, you, the sex.” I swallow the lump that has crawled up from my stomach to my throat. “All of it.” He shakes his head. “You can’t just shake your head,” I snap. “I slept with you to get you out of my system.” Saying the words I hope will hurt him enough that he just lets me be. That he just goes, and we can be done with whatever this is.
“How is that working out for you?” His question confuses me. “How is getting me out of your system working for you?” He puts his hands on his hips. “Because I’ll tell you right now.” The sting of tears threatens to come, so I blink them away. “I thought I loved you before.” He shakes his head. “Like I knew I loved you when I was an immature idiot.” He takes a step closer to me, closing the distance between us. “But now.” His face goes from a smirk to a full-blown smile. “Now that I’ve been with and without you, I can safely say I love you more.” I want to tell him to stop talking, but nothing comes out of me. “It just cemented everything.”
“Ugh, oh my God, Matthew.” I finally get the courage to say something, and I’m thankful it’s not coming out with me sobbing. “You can’t just say things like that.”
“Why not?” The age-old question.
“Because I said so.” I look at him, and all he does is laugh at me.
“Can we go to bed yet?” he asks softly. “I’ve been driving around town the last four hours. I’m exhausted.” Why does that make my heart skip a beat? Why does everything he says make my heart flutter? Why? Oh, I know why, because I love it.
“I’m going to bed in my bed and you are going to your bed.” I point at him.
He just looks at me. “Then go pack a bag.” He points at the stairs and in the direction of my bedroom.
“I don’t want to pack a bag.” I almost stomp my foot, and he just shrugs.
“Okay, fine.” He turns and I somehow think he’s leaving, which makes me internally freak out even more. Instead of leaving, he shuts the door and then turns to walk to the stairs.
“I’m not leaving.”
“Why?” I don’t even know why I’m asking him this but I can’t help myself.
He comes back and stands in front of me, his hand coming out to cup my cheek. His thumb rubs my cheekbone back and forth. My breaths are coming in short pants as I wait for him to speak. The words finally come out in a soft breath. “Because you’re here.”