CHAPTER 29
TATE
“That was so brutal today,” Cassie moans against my shoulder, her breath tickling my skin. We’re lying together on the dock. Sharing one lounge chair, which means we’re practically on top of each other. Not that I’m complaining. I welcome any opportunity to have her delectable body pressed up against me.
“You’re still thinking about it?” I say gently.
“How can I not? I don’t even want to know what would’ve happened if I hadn’t been able to drag Mom away. They looked like they were going to murder each other.”
“That’s rough.”
“I mean, it’s par for the course with them.”
It’s difficult for me to relate to that. My parents rarely fight. They bicker, sure. They’ve gone through a rough patch or two, but I’ve never seen them treat each other with anything close to the level of vitriol that Cassie describes with her parents. Their confrontation really affected her today, and the lunch that followed wasn’t much of a palate cleanser. Tori was plainly in a bad mood, and I was glad when the check finally arrived.
I spent the rest of the day trying to distract Cassie from her parents’ argument. We passed the afternoon swimming, barbecuing, and hanging out on the dock. At sunset we took the Lightning out for a ride again, which in turn got me so hot I couldn’t even wait to find a bed when we returned to the house. We had sex on the dock, which, I won’t deny, is a bit risky. But Tori and Lydia had gone out for dinner, and we tried to be quiet, mindful of the other houses along the water. Not sure if we succeeded. I can be loud when I come.
Now, we’re still in our bathing suits, cozied up on the lounger, while the night breeze floats along the bay and I absentmindedly stroke her soft hair.
Cassie snuggles closer, and a sense of pure contentment washes over me. Even now, a solid hour postcoital, I’m still recovering from the sex. I swear it only gets better with this woman. I forget myself when I’m inside her. The entire world disappears and it’s just me and her. Her warmth. Her pussy. Her smile. It’s perfection. And the more I think about it, the more I don’t want this to end. I’m already thinking about the holidays, the possibility of flying to Boston to see her.
Or, even better, accepting Gil Jackson’s offer and asking Cassie to join me on the Surely Perfect. For a weekend. A week, a month. As long as she wanted. A horde of images suddenly swarms my mind. Cassie and I on the open water. Her hair blowing in the wind as she helps me sail. Having sex on the deck. Falling asleep in the cabin. Cooking together in the galley—
Jesus. What the hell is my brain doing right now?
None of that is ever going to happen, least of which because I already decided not to go. I promised Dad I wouldn’t.
“Are you going to talk to your dad about the argument?” I ask, my gaze focusing on the darkening sky.
“God no.”
“Why not?”
“Because clearly it’s a sore subject for him.”
“As it should be. She had a miscarriage. She fought for sole custody of you instead of agreeing to joint custody like he wanted.” I lightly stroke Cassie’s arm. “Don’t you want to know more about that? His perspective about the miscarriage and everything that followed it?” Now I find myself frowning. “Don’t you want to talk to him about real shit?”
“We do,” she protests. “Sometimes. Sporadically.” She sighs. “All right, fine. We don’t talk about anything deep. I hold a lot of it back, but—”
“But there’s a silver lining?” I guess with a dry chuckle. “Okay, let’s hear it.”
“I have him in my life,” she says simply.
I furrow my brow. “And he’d go away if you shared your feelings?”
“He might. I…” Her voice cracks. “I don’t want to be a burden on him. He already has his hands full, raising two little kids. He doesn’t need his grown-ass daughter whining about her feelings and demanding to know why he never fought for custody. Telling him how much it hurts that he gave her childhood bedroom away, how awful it is to feel like I’ve been replaced. How fucking jealous I am of his new family.”
I take a breath, tightening my arm around her. “Man. I didn’t realize you felt any of that.”
“Yeah. I do.” Her hand trembles against my abdomen. “Right after the twins were born, when Dad suddenly had even less time for me, I used to listen to this one song all the time. It was called ‘Jealous,’ and I’d lie in my bedroom in Boston and listen to it on repeat because it just encapsulated everything I felt. How jealous I was that Dad had this new life I was no longer a part of.”
Damn. I remember the lyrics to that song, and they’re heartbreaking. Soul crushing. The idea of Cassie feeling that way brings a hot clench of emotion to my chest.
“And don’t get me wrong—I treasure my sisters, I do. And I like Nia. But I can’t tell you how many times I used to lie there crying about it. Sometimes, I’d fantasize that Dad would randomly show up in Boston and come get me. He’d push past my mother and announce he was bringing me home because he was miserable without me. Like in the song.” Cassie lets out a shaky breath, a flimsy laugh. “It’s stupid, I know. But I was fifteen. Angst was my middle name.”
My vision goes a little blurry, and I’m startled to realize there’s moisture clinging to my eyelashes. I blink rapidly, but that proves to be a mistake. One tear slips out and plops onto the cheek Cassie has pressed on my shoulder.
“Oh my God, Tate. Are you crying?”
Someone goddamn kill me.
I swallow hard. My throat is so tight it hurts.
“You are,” she says in amazement, rising on her elbow to peer at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bum you out.”
I lift my fist to my face and scrub it over my eyes. “Sorry. It’s just so fucking sad, Cassie.” I hold her closer and she’s so soft and warm, and suddenly I’m hit with the vision of a ten-year-old Cassie being forced to leave Avalon Bay and her father behind, whisked away to live with her shitty mother.
My eyes feel like they’re burning again, and I gulp down the lump obstructing my throat.
Christ.
“This is the sweetest thing ever,” she whispers, burying her face in my neck. “Nobody has ever cried on my behalf before.”
Hell, I’ve never cried on anyone’s behalf before. But this is Cassie. She’s the kindest soul I’ve ever met. The funniest, sexiest, most compelling woman I’ve ever been with, and I feel—
I take a sharp inhale as understanding strikes me.
I feel it.
The elusive it.
Whatever the hell it is that makes my parents look at each other the way they do. The feeling I’d been waiting for but could never find with any of the girls who’ve crossed my path over the years.
I feel it now.
The irony of this doesn’t escape me. I almost didn’t get involved with her because I was worried she’d catch feelings. Meanwhile, my feelings for her hit me out of nowhere and knocked me on my damn ass.
But what does that mean for us? She lives in Boston, and I can’t leave the Bay for the time being. Long-distance relationships are hard to maintain, but maybe we could manage it. She graduates this year anyway. Maybe she’d consider moving back here. This was where she was born. Where her father lives. And it’s evident she loves him deeply.
“You have to talk to him,” I say. “To your dad. Hell, and your mother too. She should know how much her words have hurt you. Don’t you want parents you can be honest with, instead of sweeping everything important under the rug? Just be honest, Cass. With both of them.”
“Sort of like how you’re honest with your father about how badly you want to sail to New Zealand?”
“I mean, it’s not like I didn’t tell him about it. I did. I just can’t go.”
“Sure you can. Your contract ends soon. You have all of autumn and winter off.”
“I already promised Dad I’d work full-time at Bartlett Marine.”
“The dealership will be waiting for you when you get back,” Cassie says softly. She sits up, watching me, her eyes shining with encouragement. “It’s only a few months. Bartlett Marine isn’t going to implode if you’re gone for three months.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek. “I know. I just … I don’t want to let him down.”
That earns me a gentle smile. “See?”
“See what?”
“We both do it. Hold back our own feelings because we don’t want to disappoint our parents or make any waves.”
She’s right.
She’s right about everything.
If I go, Bartlett Marine will still be there when I get back. If I don’t go, I’m letting the opportunity of a lifetime slip away. I might never get another chance to sail a goddamn Hallberg-Rassy halfway across the goddamn world. I’m twenty-three years old, for fuck’s sake. I have the rest of my life to stay in one place and work a nine-to-five job. Three months will pass in the blink of an eye. My father will survive it.
“You know what? You’re right. I think I need to practice what I preach. I’ll make you a deal,” I announce, a smile tickling my lips. “How about this? You talk to your dad and tell him everything you just told me. Talk to your mom and tell her how she’s hurt you. And I’ll talk to my dad and tell him I’m going to New Zealand. Deal?”
Cassie purses her lips, thinking it over. “Only if it’s after the Beacon’s reopening.”
“You’re stalling,” I tease.
“No, just being practical. Any conversation with my mother creates the potential for sheer and utter catastrophe, and I still have to live with her for the next week.”
“Fair. Then we’ll schedule our respective conversations for the day after the reopening.” I lift a brow. “Deal?”
She shakes my hand. “Deal.”
My chest feels surprisingly light at the notion of telling my father I’m going to accept Gil’s offer. Or maybe that feeling of ease has more to do with the other confession I plan to make.
Because after I tell Dad about the trip, I’m going to tell Cassie I’m in love with her.