CHAPTER 24
LIYAH is not in the head-to-toe tinsel number she suggested, but she hasn’t exactly gone for subtlety in a short, silky, silver dress and sky-high chunky heels. She kept her hair off her face for dancing in a row of twists that open to her natural curls, and Neen decorated each part with silver glitter. Neen also insisted that they mix a shimmering body oil into their lotion, and now every bit of the two of them (collarbones, knees, elbows) glows opaline in the strobing lights. She’ll be washing it all off for weeks.
Growing up in a white area of town, going to an Ashkenazi synagogue, and just generally wearing her hair natural and big, Liyah has spent a lifetime as the subject of public stares. Pair her with Neen, who accessorizes their androgyny with visible tattoos, piercings, and a wardrobe that employs the entire color wheel, and you get quite the head-turning duo. It’s an inevitable fact that Liyah has become so accustomed to, she no longer notices (except in the few circumstances when she’s looking for it).
Not here, though. Not in the center of this dance floor, populated with the finest drag and sparkle that Seattle’s young queer scene has to offer. She melts into the crowd, aware of her body only insofar as she can feel the bass pulse through her ribs and thighs. Less sure of her existence with each bump from an unfamiliar form against hers. The anonymity is more intoxicating than any liquor.
At this point in the night five years ago, Liyah would have been nearly naked in a bathroom stall with a stranger, leaving Neen to find her a sweaty mess around closing time. On occasion, Liyah misses the thrill of those adventures. She never longs for the depressive episodes that would follow.
“You good, C-J?” Neen asks as they wedge their way through neighboring bodies, the tassels hanging from their jumpsuit narrowly missing someone’s drink.
“Yeah, I’m good,” she shouts back over thumping speakers, accepting the plastic cup filled with vodka and tonic water.
“You have your thinking face on.”
Neen’s right. A lot of suppressed thoughts have floated to the surface in recent weeks. Telling Daniel has unlocked a lot of doors she likes to keep closed. None of her worst fears— that he would treat her differently, that he would see her as less than the person she worked so hard to become—have come to fruition. But that’s almost worse than the alternative, because doesn’t that mean she could have told someone sooner? That she could have let herself work through the thoughts that intrude in her most restless moments, and it wouldn’t crack through every foundation she’s ever built? Maybe crafting her life so the only person she lets see all the way through her lives thousands of miles away is less of a safety net and more of a way to ensure a certain level of loneliness.
It’s New Year’s Eve. Stop, she tells herself, and knocks back her drink in one go.
“Jesus, Liyah.”
Liyah grimaces at the burn of the vodka. “No more thinking!”
Neen grins their best Cheshire cat smile and empties their own cup. “No more thinking!”
The night is a blur of music and movement and Liyah lets it fill her until she’s floating outside herself, everywhere and nowhere at once. Sweat-slicked skin and cold liquor sliding down her throat. At midnight, silver and gold balloons fall from netting in the ceiling, and she and Neen share a peck of a New Year’s kiss. She keeps her promise not to think, until she pulls her phone out on the way out of the bathroom.
Daniel
happy new year! Find anyone to kiss?;)
Is that a joke? It must be a joke. It would be too weird for him to earnestly ask. Still, she’s discomfited by the question, even in jest.
Liyah
Yes, it was marvelous. Who was your lucky lady?
Daniel
wait, you really kissed someone?
Liyah
;)
Daniel’s typing bubble appears and disappears. Three separate times. She squints at it to make sure her eyes aren’t playing tricks, and there it goes again.
Daniel
have you been hooking up with other people in chicago too or is this just a new year’s thing?
Liyah blinks at her screen in disbelief. She was just going along with the bit. Was he not joking? What’s with the winking face, then? Is he mad at her? She’s too drunk for this. Also, what the fuck?
Suddenly aware of the crushing humidity in the bar, Liyah makes eye contact with Neen, points to the door, and mouths I need air. They nod and she rushes off, pushing into the chilly, damp night. The brick exterior of the building scratches against her shoulder blades; her jacket is still inside. Two vaguely masculine figures are practically dry humping twenty feet away and the smell of pot wafts from around the corner, but Liyah’s alone in all the ways that matter.
That is, nobody is watching her type and delete messages for five minutes straight before giving up and pressing call.
“You wanna tell me what that was about?” she blurts as soon as the rings cut out, not giving him a chance to speak.
“I just … I didn’t kiss anybody.” The gruffness of Daniel’s voice livens up winged insects somewhat like butterflies in her stomach. Liyah ignores them. They’re probably moths, chewing holes in the emotions she keeps stored away for an appropriate season yet to come. “I haven’t been sleeping with other people. I thought we should talk about it?”
“You thought you’d ask me over text? With an emoji?”
“Yeah, I guess that wasn’t my best idea.”
Liyah’s snort is contemptuous. “You think?”
“I should have known you were. I mean, we’re casual and everything. And we’ve been safe. You know, condoms and getting tested and all.”
Liyah rubs at the furrow in her brow. When she lowers her hand, glitter streaks across the heel of her palm. “I’m pretty fucking drunk, Daniel.”
“Yeah, me too. It’s three thirty here. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Are you, like, mad at me?”
“No, I’m not.” His voice still sounds off. Liyah assumes he’s lying.
The “You have NO RIGHT to be” she declares loudly into her receiver earns a brief head turn from one of the dry humpers.
“I’m really not,” he replies softly.
He sounds resigned, which only agitates her further. “I don’t believe you. Why the fuck else would you send me that? At twelve thirty on New Year’s. Fuck’s sake.”
“I hope I didn’t ruin your night.”
“You didn’t ruin my night!” She feels her volume climbing and forces it back down. “I just want to know what’s going on. I thought you were joking at first, but now it feels like I walked into a trap.”
“It wasn’t a trap—”
“Then what was it, Daniel? How was I supposed to respond?” Both dry humpers look this time. One of them calls something like tell him, girl! before reapplying lips to neck.
“I don’t know!” Daniel shouts back. “I wasn’t thinking. Really, I just wasn’t thinking. Please don’t—fuck, Liyah. I’m sorry.” His voice breaks, and with it, Liyah’s resolve.
“Neen, dummy,” she mutters.
“WHAT?” DANIEL ASKS, lifting his head out of his free hand. He’d just finished brushing his teeth when Liyah called, and now he’s sitting on the edge of his sister’s guest bed in only his boxers, feeling like the stupidest person alive. If he ruins what they have over a drunk text …
No, he doesn’t want to think about that. This isn’t a grovel-proof fuckup. She’s forgiven him before, and he’s pretty sure he can Brownstein’s Bagels his way out of this if need be.
“I kissed Neen. It was a peck, nothing we haven’t done before.”
“Oh. I thought…”
“I know what you thought. I thought we were joking, so I was going along with it.”
His shoulders relax. “I’m just a dumbass?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“So, nothing’s changed from last year?”
His heart jumps when she laughs. “Guess not.” They’re silent for a moment, and Daniel feels the relief reach his extremities. “I would tell you if I were sleeping with other people, Daniel. If for no other reason, at least for safety.”
Daniel is closer to the comedown of his night than Liyah is to hers, but it appears that some liquid courage remains. “I think I’d rather it just be us, if that’s okay.”
“That works for me.” She giggles, and he’s even more aware of her drunkenness. “Also, between work, SSC, and, y’know, fucking, you see me almost every day. Where would I find the time?”
“You’re a determined individual when you want to be,” he retorts with a smile. “Look, I’m sorry I messed up your night. I’ll give you a ride home from the airport to make up for it.”
“If I hadn’t spent twenty minutes upset about this, it would’ve been something else. Don’t worry about it.”
“Is that a no to the ride?”
“No takesie-backsies. See you in forty-seven hours, sucker.”
“Good night, Liyah.”
“’Night, Daniel,” she replies, and hangs up.
Flopping back onto the bed, Daniel lets out a long sigh. Drunken jealousy is not a good look and it’s a worse feeling. He hadn’t even seen it coming. That first text had been a joke. But his brain had gone from zero to I don’t want other people to touch her in three-point-five.
He runs his hand through his hair, pulling the waves off his face. Is it toxically masculine to want to be the only one who gets to be that intimate with her? He’s not about to go all caveman and try to smash someone’s face in, so maybe House Rule #3 is still intact. If so, he must be breaking some other unspoken law.
A knock at the door jolts him upright. “Yes?” he calls, pulling his T-shirt over his head.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Kayla pokes her head inside first, as if checking for signs of danger, before sliding the rest of her body through. Enough light slips through the crack in the door for him to make out her concerned expression. “I’m not going to pretend I heard all of that, but I’m also not going to pretend I heard none of that.”
Daniel looks at her blankly. He shrugs. Kayla edges closer to the bed.
“Can I sit?”
“Sure.”
She sits so slowly that he barely feels the mattress depressing. He has half a mind to check the floor for eggshells. “That was rough, Danny.”
“Thanks.”
“No—I mean, you really like her, don’t you? You always have.” He nods so slightly it would be imperceptible if Kayla’s gaze weren’t so perfectly fixed on him. “Have you thought about talking to her about it?”
“I don’t know how she feels.” He pauses, reconsidering. “No, I do. She’s made it very clear that she’s not into relationships. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, or…” He trails off.
“Or stop sleeping together?”
“Noona!”
“What? I know you have sex, I’m pretty sure I saw you lose your virginity.”
Daniel groans, running his hand down his face. “Don’t remind me.”
“I wish I hadn’t reminded myself. It was traumatizing.” She shudders in horror, then chuckles.
Daniel feels less amused. “There’re some things you feel weird telling your older sister about, even if she’s a therapist.”
“As long as you spare the gory details, you can tell me about it. Especially if it’s got you in one of your tailspins. I’ve got a whole three years of experience on you; I might be able to offer some advice.”
“Are you gonna charge me?”
She shoves his shoulder. “No, jackass. This is strictly older sibling stuff.” She inhales. “I’ve spent a lot of time falling quick and hard for people who didn’t quite feel the same. Stuffing my feelings down never did me any good. It always seems to come out eventually. Usually, at the most inopportune moments.”
He sifts her words through his mental sieve, but he can’t find anything wrong with what she’s said. That only means he’ll need to run them through again. “I can keep myself in check for now.”
“Okay. Just, you know, if you get to a point where it feels like you can’t, try talking to her. If you plan out the gist of what you’re going to say beforehand, it’ll be easier, trust me.” She pats him on the shoulder and stands up, opening the door and widening the sliver of light streaming into the room once again.
“Thanks, Kayla. I appreciate it.”
“No problem.” Right before the door clicks shut, she swings it and sticks her head back through. “For what it’s worth, I’ve seen you and Liyah together, and I wouldn’t be so sure that you already know how she feels.”
And then she shuts the door behind her.
SSC #16 MEETING NOTES
Secretary: Siobhan
• First of the new year!
• Hols check-in
• That means holidays/vacations, for all ye yankees
• Jordan had a cozy time in Raleigh, appreciated the less awful weather
• Got laughed at when he tried to explain the concept of SSC to his cousins
• Daniel visited his mom in Madison and spent New Year’s in New York with Kayla
• Kayla says hello to everyone
• Liyah’s little brother loved the shoes Jordan picked for him
• Liyah is eternally grateful
• It’s weird how tall he’s gotten; she misses when he was smaller than her
• I didn’t need to write that down, apparently
• Siobhan had a lovely time in Dublin
• Went out with friends that included ex-boyfriend, and it was totally normal and not terribly awkward at all! (sarcasm)
• Liyah says I don’t have to write that it was sarcasm, but I would like that here for posterity
• Work
• A shame we have to go back, but the break was nice
• Dating
• SIOBHAN FUCKED WILL!!!!! CONFETTI!!!! FIREWORKS!!!! APPLAUSE!!! (Liyah)
• Rule addition: 11. In the presence of Daniel and Jordan, Siobhan may not describe a penis she has seen sexually