Chapter Twenty-Three
Hallie walked down one of the residential blocks adjacent to Grapevine Way, hoping once again to avoid seeing . . . well, anyone really. Even Lavinia and Lorna. Talking and smiling like a normal person only made her feel fraudulent and exhausted.
Two weeks had passed since she came home and found Julian in her front yard looking like death. How long was she going to be dazed and sick to her stomach?
When would the hole in her chest suture itself closed?
She was beginning to think the answer was . . . indefinitely. Recovering from the consequences of being reckless and irresponsible didn’t seem like an option. She’d be living with the reverberations of that night for a long time. Maybe forever. At least as long as she’d be living with this broken heart.
If she could go back in time and just be honest with Julian, instead of sneaking off in the middle of the night like a moron, she would jump inside the time machine and buckle up. Because he might have wanted nothing to do with her after she revealed the truth about the letters, but at least she could have spared him the fear and anxiety that had embodied him, sealed him up in a vacuum pack where she couldn’t reach him for long, agonizing minutes. The fact that she’d been responsible for that . . . like he’d feared she’d be all along? It was unbearable.
The tendons in Hallie’s chest and throat knit together and pulled. Her body had been maneuvering in all sorts of new, torturous ways for the last two weeks. Food made her queasy, but she forced herself to eat, anyway, because the emptiness inside of her was already winning and she couldn’t give it another victory by withholding sustenance. All day long, she walked around feeling sick, her skin hot and cold at the same time. She was too embarrassed and guilty and regretful to face her own reflection in the mirror.
And she totally deserved this.
Her actions had caught up with her in an irreversible way. Julian had been right to drive away and never look back. She’d called him three times since that night to apologize again, but he’d never answered the phone. Not once. Three days later, she’d gone to the guesthouse and knocked on the door. No response. She’d planted the flowers she’d brought in the back of her truck and gone. There was a chance he’d gone into that same numb state he’d told her about. The one he’d landed in after the fire, the low that followed his panic attack.
But, God, didn’t that explanation make everything worse?
After a week passed with no returned calls, she’d woken up with grim acceptance. Julian wouldn’t be calling. Or showing up at her cottage. He’d dealt with her messy disorganized lifestyle, her doggy circus, a citizen’s arrest, and chocolate-fueled toddlers in a wine tent, but this lie and its consequences were insurmountable. She’d lost him.
She’d truly lost the man she loved. Not just loved, but admired and cared about and needed. She needed him. Not for self-worth or success. Just because, when they were together, the air felt clear. Her heart beat differently. Someone saw her, she saw them in return, and they both said, yes, despite the flaws in this plan, let’s execute it. Because she was worth it to him.
Right up until she wasn’t.
Hallie reached the end of the block and hesitated before turning down Grapevine Way. She had no choice but to buy milk. After a cup of black coffee this morning and cereal mixed with water, she’d forced herself into real clothing and out the door.
Please don’t let me run into anyone.
Lavinia had hounded her for a few days, then allowed her to suffer in peace, leaving the occasional box of donuts and wine on her doorstep. Hallie was grateful to her friend for not including a note that said I told you so, which would have been well within her rights. She’d canceled her jobs for a few days before resuming them. But she couldn’t bring herself to go to the library. She’d driven by once, intending to cultivate the soil and prepare it for planting, but she couldn’t get out of the truck.
Who am I to take on a job this size?
Did she really think she could landscape a town landmark? The woman who’d been stupidly impressed by her color-coding system of pink, light pink, and lightest pink? Because now she just wanted to laugh. I am such a fraud. Look at the destruction I cause.
With a permanent knot in her throat, Hallie put her head down and barreled into the small convenience store, hurtling herself toward the refrigerated aisle. She was being ridiculous, of course. The world wasn’t going to end if she ran into someone she knew. She’d gone through months of grieving for her grandmother, so she knew it was possible to act normal under bad circumstances. The reason she didn’t want to see or interact with anyone this time had more to do with self-loathing.
I can’t believe you did that.
I can’t believe you hurt him that way.
Hallie opened the glass door and took out a half gallon of milk, closing it again with a schnick. She move back up the aisle as quickly as she’d come, doubling back once to snag an unplanned jar of peanut butter—but she stopped on a dime about ten feet from the self-checkout register. Really? Really? She should have driven to the next town over to buy milk and impromptu peanut butter. Why did this town have to be so small?
Not one but two people that she knew were inside this shop. At eight o’clock in the morning on a Thursday, no less. What were the chances?
Natalie was leaning her hip against a shelf on the other side of the store, frowning down at the ingredients on the back of a cracker box. Despite liking Julian’s sister so much, the woman was literally one of the very last people Hallie wanted to see. Not after what she’d done to Julian, dredging up traumatic memories from a fire. And then there was Owen. He was inside the store, too, hunkered down in front of the candy display selecting a pack of gum. He’d called her a few days ago asking where she’d been and she’d texted back claiming to have a cold. She couldn’t avoid him forever, but was a few years of being antisocial and drowning her sorrow in Golden Grahams so much to ask?
“Hallie!” Owen said brightly, straightening so quickly, he almost knocked over the cardboard candy display. He steadied it with a sheepish eye roll before coming in her direction. Stopping a few feet away and raking his palms up and down the sides of his jeans. Grass-stained ones he obviously used for gardening. Over his shoulder, Natalie turned her head and surveyed the two of them sharply, her expression unreadable.
Drop the milk and run.
That’s what Hallie wanted to do, but she didn’t deserve to avoid this awkward situation. She’d made her bed and now she had to lie in it.
“Wow, must have been a hell of a cold,” Owen chuckled, before catching himself. “Dammit, I . . . I didn’t mean that how it sounded. You always look beautiful. I can just tell you’ve been sick, you know? Been through a few sleepless nights. No offense.”
Behind Owen, Natalie was listening intently.
God save me.
“No offense taken.” She forced a smile and sidled toward the register. “I’m sorry, I have to get home and walk the dogs—”
“Hey, I was thinking.” Owen moved with her. “Why don’t you take another few days to recover, then come with me to the home and garden show in Sacramento this weekend? I figured we could get an early start on Saturday and make a day out of it.”
Natalie crossed her arms and got more comfortable in her lean against the shelves, as if to say, Oh, I’m staying for the whole-ass show now. Hallie gulped. And she couldn’t help but search Julian’s sister’s face for some sign as to how Julian was doing. Was he totally recovered from his flashback? Was he writing again? Angry? Had he maybe even gone back to Stanford?
That last possibility had heat burning the backs of her eyes.
Oh God, she wasn’t ready to be in town. She should have stayed home.
Cereal with water was fine. More than she deserved.
“Um, Owen . . . I don’t think I can make it.”
He drew back, his smile tightening in a way she hadn’t seen before. “I’ve given you a lot of space, Hallie. Either put me out of my misery or . . . try.” The tips of his ears were turning red as a tomato. “I’m just asking you to try and see if we could be something. If we could work.”
“I know. I know that.”
Hallie was sweating under the fluorescent lights, black coffee burning laps around her stomach. Natalie, arms still crossed, was tapping a finger against her opposite elbow, shadows in her eyes. How many people had Hallie affected with her impulsiveness? First, her grandmother had rearranged her priorities to help manage Hallie’s. Lavinia had been dragged along into her nonsense, although she did seem to enjoy the mayhem on occasion, even if she disapproved. Hallie’s clients were always exasperated with her lack of reliability. She’d somehow managed to convince Julian she was worth all of the trouble she caused, but she’d blown even that. Lost him. Lost the man who made her heart tick correctly.
And now she stood, staring back at Owen. Here she was, once again presented with the consequences of acting on impulse, avoiding plans and sowing discontent, instead of just definitively saying I’m not interested in the beginning.
She couldn’t do this for the rest of her life.
“I’ll go with you,” she said, her lips barely moving. “But just as friends, Owen. We’re only ever going to be friends. If that’s acceptable to you, I’ll go. Otherwise, I understand if you’d rather go alone or with someone else.”
Her fellow gardener and longtime friend looked down at his feet. “Sort of had a feeling that would be your eventual answer.”
Briefly, she laid a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry if it’s not the one you want. But it’s not going to change.”
“Well.” He blew out a disappointed breath. “Thanks for being honest. I’ll give you a call about Saturday. Sound good?”
“Sounds great,” she called to Owen on his way out the door.
Now she only had to face Natalie.
“This was not worth a half gallon of milk,” Hallie mused out loud.
Natalie smirked, pushing off the shelves to saunter in Hallie’s direction. A full ten seconds passed without Julian’s sister saying anything. She squinted at Hallie, instead, circling around the back of her, a cop interviewing a perpetrator.
Finally, she said, “What the hell was that?”
Hallie started. “What the hell was what?”
“That awkward redhead asking you out. Doesn’t he know you’re seeing my brother?”
Huh? All right, that was the last thing she’d expected the other woman to say. “Um . . . are you still living in the guesthouse with Julian?”
“Yes.”
“And he didn’t tell you that we broke up?”
Saying those words out loud made Hallie’s eyes fill up with tears, so she tilted her head back and blinked up at the ceiling.
“Uh, I know he said some kind of bullshit about you both needing space. And then he locked himself in his office to finish his book. He hasn’t come out for two weeks. Unless he emerges when I’m passed out, which is more and more often these days.”
“You need to handle that.”
“I know. I have a plan. I just need a little more courage before I enact it.” A shadow danced across Natalie’s features; then she was back to being steely-eyed. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but feelings don’t just—poof—go away. Not the kind you have for each other. Now, my ex-fiancé and I? Yeah, in hindsight, the success of that relationship was riding on money and image. I can see that now. You and Julian, though . . .” She gave Hallie a pleading look. “Don’t be each other’s one who got away. You can fix it.”
“I wrote him secret admirer letters and deceived him about it.”
“That was you?” Natalie sputtered. Gaped. “Why the hell did you do that, you crazy idiot?”
Hallie groaned. “It all sounds ridiculous now.”
“Well, yeah.”
“It started off with me wanting to get this . . . crush off my chest. But then, talking to him made me feel so much better about where I am. Who I am. Our discussions made my thoughts clearer. So I wrote my feelings to him in letters, hoping . . . to know myself and him better in the process. I didn’t think it all the way through, and that’s the problem. I never do. He was right to leave and stop taking my calls. He should forget all about me.”
Natalie scrutinized her for a breath, then patted her awkwardly on the shoulder. “All right, let’s not get dramatic.”
“This is nothing if not dramatic!” Julian’s sister was starting to look sympathetic, probably because of the tears that insisted on escaping her eyes, but Hallie didn’t want that sympathy. Not until she’d suffered for at least another decade. “I should go.”
“Wait.” Natalie stepped into her path, visibly uncomfortable with Hallie’s overwrought emotions. “Listen, I . . . get this. My brother barely talked to me for four years after rescuing me from a fire. It had the nerve to scare our stoic asses. We never learned how to express ourselves in a healthy way, so we lean on avoidance.” She gestured to herself. “See? Hello, I’m three thousand miles from the broken pieces of my life right now. Nice to meet you.”
Despite her misery, Hallie gave a watery laugh. “I see where you’re coming from, but . . .” He’s better off without me. “We’re better off apart.”
Hallie got the distinct impression that Natalie wanted to stomp a foot. “No, you’re not. Me and that arrogant Navy SEAL, August whatever, are better off apart.” She paused, looked far away for a moment, before shaking herself. “You and Julian are suffering right now, and one of you needs to stop being stubborn and fix it. Yes, I realize this is a pot-meet-kettle situation, but I’m not the one who wrote fake love letters, so I’m claiming the moral high ground for the purposes of this situation. If you go on a date with that dorky redhead, even as friends, I’m going to slash your tires.”
“You really would, wouldn’t you?”
“I carry a switchblade in my purse.”
Hallie shook her head. “Dammit. I really like you.”
She watched in confused awe as a flush took over Natalie’s cheeks. “Oh. Well.” She scratched at the dark wing of her eyebrow. “Who doesn’t, right?”
They looked at each other in silence.
“It was bad, Natalie. What happened with us.” A memory of him sweating in the doorway of her bedroom popped up. She had to breathe through it. “I can’t even bring myself to tell you how badly I messed up. You’d slash my tires and break my windows.”
“Maybe.” Natalie sighed, searching for the right words. “Julian gets lost in his head sometimes, Hallie. Just give him a little while to find his way out.”
She nodded as if agreeing to that, even though she wasn’t.
If anything, the conversation with Natalie made her even more determined to move on and not allow herself to look back and hope.
She’d wreaked more than enough havoc on the universe already.