Chapter Twenty-Two
NASH
Kiran had opened her heart up about her vulnerabilities and experiences, and more than anything, Nash had been thankful to be in the room and allowed to see a side of her that he would never understand firsthand. Kiran’s history as an immigrant and resulting life from that monumental move across the world was something Nash couldn’t touch or begin to fathom.
But he wanted to. If anything, Kiran was proving he had a lot to learn about the world and about her, and he wanted to dive into her darkest corners, soaked in complexities, and shower himself in the light she brought to him.
Kate called as he stretched out on his couch after a long day.
“Nashy, tell me about your life! How’s New York?”
“Kate, have you been drinking? You’re awfully chipper.”
“I’m happy to talk to you, that’s all. Don’t rain on my parade.”
“It’s nice talking to you too. I miss you.”
“Now I’m wondering if you’ve been drinking. Are you okay? What’s wrong, honey?”
Nash smiled against the phone, knowing his aunt couldn’t see him. “Nothing. I’m doing well.”
“Are you sure?”
“I feel like a kid telling you this, but I think I like someone.”
“Oooh! Who?” Kate was like a child, whispering secrets on a playground.
“Kiran. She’s my neighbor. We’ve been hanging out a lot, and it’s been…eye-opening.”
“What’s her name again? Kee-ran?”
“Not -ran, but -run,” Nash corrected, inwardly cringing at the recollection of the conversation the previous night.
“Kiran. I like that.”
“Me too.”
“Why do you sound so sad?”
“It’s not sadness, just contemplation. I got my butt handed to me yesterday for making an idiotic move with her.”
“Why?”
Nash tried to explain. “You know how we’re white—”
“We’re white?” Kate asked. “I’m so glad you noticed, honey. I always knew you were quick for your age.”
“You are not funny.” But Nash cracked a smile anyway.
“Sorry. Continue.”
“It was stupid on my part.” Nash gave her a quick rundown of the events of the night before, explaining how Kiran was firm but graceful in her explanation and how he felt as though he should have known. “I’ve spent so much time in school and learning about how people are different—and here I am, erasing her story, you know?”
“You didn’t know better. You thought you were helping,” Kate said kindly.
“I think that’s the point. I erased her in the way I tried to help.”
Nash couldn’t find the words to explain why the intention behind his actions didn’t matter here, that how he treated Kiran wasn’t her responsibility to teach him. He had made her feel small—something he never wanted people to feel around him—and he’d made someone who already felt like an outsider on a daily basis feel like they didn’t even belong in the room.
“Is that all that’s bothering you?”
“No…I was thinking about Mom and Dad.”
“What about them?”
“Kate, I like her. It’s soon. I can’t say whether this is forever. But I see something powerful potentially developing. And that is effing terrifying after seeing what my parents went through.”
“What do you find terrifying?”
“That I could become like them. That I could walk away when times get hard. Or that occasional beer I have could trigger something in me that makes me lose control. Mostly, I worry I’ll let her down.”
“Nashy, you have never let any of us down. I don’t think you would let her down either.”
“It’s not about me—but when I realized how little I knew about her reality, I felt so inadequate. Kind of like when I was little and I used to wonder why Dad left. And then I’d wonder if he didn’t feel good enough to give Mom the life she wanted and maybe he left because it was too much for him, and if that’s the case, and I keep missing pieces of Kiran’s life too because I don’t understand…what if I lose her? What if I screw up?” His words came faster and faster, loosely making connections but not capturing how scared he felt of falling for her, losing her, and screwing up, all at once.
“Nash, take a breath,” Kate coached, like she did when he was little. “You’re getting way ahead of yourself. That’s not like you. Start with seeing where this goes. Then…?”
Her prompt slowed his racing thoughts. “Then I better tell her I like her.”
“After that?”
“I’ll do my best to be my best.”
“That’s all you can do. You know that. You carry a lot of burden from your past, Nash, but you can’t let it anchor you in place. You’ve also overcome setbacks and taken life step by step. Do the same thing here…slow down. Handle each day as it comes.”
Nash sighed. “You’re right.”
“I always am. I don’t know why you doubt me,” Kate teased.
“I don’t either.”
They talked about her dogs, about her husband and the new art class she’d signed up for, before winding up their call.
When they finally hung up an hour later, Nash felt at peace and more certain than ever that he wanted to do his best for Kiran and that she’d see nothing but his effort from now on.