20
The air pressure in the room dramatically shifted in the way it only can when everyone comprehends that a very, very famous person is present.
It was akin to a plane suddenly plummeting a few thousand feet and the oxygen masks tumbling out.
At least, Roisin assumed this was the way it always was: this had never happened to her before, unless you counted the time they saw Mick Hucknall from afar in a Spinningfields pizzeria.
Amelia ‘Milly’ Lee wasn’t reality star or soap opera famous, she was the real deal: cinema-marquee, name-up-in-lights, her-last-alleged-boyfriend-was-Tom-Cruise famous.
She’d recently moved up to lead role status – starring in a film about a World War Two seductress spy that Joe and Roisin had seen on a now-rare date night. Joe had pulled apart its poor plotting – and Roisin, its sexism – in the pub afterwards.
Here she was, a couple of feet away, asking the hired muscle guy in the doorway to ‘fetch Granny his organic venison biltong’.
A catfish was a concealed identity? Ohhhh. Roisin yearned to say, Matt! I know what you meant! So ‘Ruby’ was the Hinge pseudonym. She catfished him as a celebrity undercover as a citizen.
‘Were you really on Hinge?’ Meredith said, asking the question they all wanted to ask, because frankly why the hell not. Roisin felt like she was tripping off her tits.
Amelia threw an appraising look at Matt for his indiscretion. ‘Sure,’ she said, flintily. ‘Why not?’
‘Don’t they have a dating site for famous people to meet other famouses? No offence, Matt, but you’re just … Matt,’ Meredith said to him.
Matt twinged a smile and Roisin felt for him. Once again, she could see how little of this he’d intended. Once again, it probably wasn’t going to save him from the consequences.
‘That’s Raya. I’m on there too.’ She played with Granville’s ears and snuffled his head. ‘But, let me tell you …’ She paused, hand outstretched, and Meredith took a beat to suss she was meant to supply her name.
‘Meredith.’
‘Meredith … there are some slimy motherfuckers …’ She slipped into full American drawl, for a moment. ‘… out there, who want to date actresses. Star fuckers, you know what I mean?’
She made a face, like she was meaningfully confiding. Meredith replied with a terrified, automatic, ‘Yes,’ which almost gave Roisin hysterics.
‘It was nice meeting real, down to earth, honest guys who wanted to meet Ruby,’ Amelia concluded.
‘And also, Matt!’ Joe said, trying for his first Joe Powellish witticism since her arrival.
Amelia simply stared at him, like he’d guffed.
‘Would any of you mind terribly if we closed the curtains?’ Amelia said. ‘I very much doubt any picture agency would send anyone anywhere this remote, but it’d be such a bore if they did.’
‘Yeah, we do mind,’ Gina said suddenly, making backs straighten. ‘We also mind you telling us we can’t use our phones, and which bedrooms you and your bouncers want.’
‘Bouncers? Mark is my driver and Ted is my security,’ Amelia said, as if this was apparent to anyone who wasn’t deficient in faculties.
‘Whatever,’ Gina said. ‘You’re not only here visiting your boyfriend, but you’ve also crashed our weekend. You don’t get to tell us what to do.’
Roisin cringed, yet couldn’t fault Gina on any point of accuracy. Therefore, intervening seemed impossible. She suspected everyone else had made this calculation, too. On what basis did they stand Gina down? Amelia was, being honest, the original provocateur here.
‘Gina,’ Matt said, clearing his throat, ‘it’s alright if Ru— Amelia wants to stay. Right, Dev?’
‘Of course!’ Dev said.
Gina, flushed, twitched in her seat as if she’d been tasered. ‘Says fucking who? You’ve not asked the rest of us?’
‘I’ve not had a chance, but …’
‘Are you and Matthew an item of some sort?’ Amelia said in dispassionate tone, with her perfect diction.
‘Er. Nope,’ Gina said quickly and with a nasty laugh. Roisin gathered Gina was drunker than she’d thought.
‘Sorry, what is the problem then? I’m not clear,’ Amelia said. One of her anonymous men entered the room and she said, ‘Ted, close those curtains, would you? That’s right, those ones, thanks.’
‘DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE, TED!’ Gina screamed, and Amelia’s dog fell onto the floor with a plop and started wolf-howling.
‘Seriously,’ Gina stood up and turned to Matt, ‘how dare you? This is my birthday do, and once again, you’ve fucking ruined it. You’ve brought this weird nightmare in here …’ She turned to point at the impassive Oscar nominee. ‘Let me guess, Matt, you didn’t mean to do it. But you have. I am so sick of you acting like nothing’s your fault. SHE is your fault. It’s your job to find her somewhere to stay, because she’s sure as SHIT not staying here.’
Gina had gone a mottled salmon colour, breathing coming in gasps.
‘Alright, it’s late,’ Matt said, clearly having one of the worst experiences of his life, trying to figure out how to tap dance through the crocodile swamp he’d found himself in. ‘How about, if tomorrow—’
Amelia interrupted him, turning a large gold watch round on her child-sized wrist so she could see its face, ‘If we can’t stay here, it’s about what, two hours to Manchester? But there aren’t any hotels there.’
Everyone’s mouths opened to query this assertion before they all realised she wasn’t saying there were no hotels, but there were no hotels.
‘Four hours to London?’ Amelia continued.
Ted leaned in and said something in her ear.
‘Four or five, give or take. Matt, you grab your things and we can be in Soho House by one a.m. I’ll drop Nick a text, I’m a member.’
Matt said, ‘Uhm …?’
‘See you out by the car. Granny, come on! We’re not staying! Come on, Granny.’ She fished the French Bulldog out from under the chair legs and scooped him up into her arms. They held their breath for her parting shot, but there wasn’t one; she simply left the room without further acknowledging their presence.
A silence fell over the party. Even Joe Powell couldn’t find the quip to break the astonishment.
‘Dev, it’s super rude of me to leave with her. I don’t know how else to fix this, though. Do you want me to tell her I’m staying?’ Matt said. He rubbed at his temple and looked like he was grinding his teeth.
‘Yes, it is rude, but we don’t want you to stay!’ Gina said. Then, checking herself, ‘I don’t want you to, anyway.’
‘Gina! Matt is as much a part of this weekend as any of us,’ Roisin said.
‘Yes,’ Meredith agreed. ‘Settle down, G. This isn’t Matt’s fault.’
‘QUELLE SURPRISE!’ Gina roared, clamping her wine glass to her face.
‘I don’t want to spoil things,’ Matt said, with a pointed look towards Roisin and Meredith. They grasped its meaning. It was clear Gina and Matt’s rift wasn’t going to be healed overnight, a second time, and if he remained, the mood was likely fatally poisoned.
‘Mate, you do whatever you want!’ Dev said. ‘No hard feelings. Your gal is a bit of a tornado, hah.’
‘Your gal is a bit A LIST FAMOUS. What on earth, Matt?’ Meredith said. ‘Our minds are fucked, here! A warning would’ve been nice?’ She smiled.
‘I was working up to it,’ Matt said, rather brokenly. ‘I didn’t think the big reveal there was time sensitive. Dev, I’m so sorry – I never thought for a moment telling her where we were staying would mean she’d take it as an invite. Her schedule’s nuts, I didn’t even know she was in the UK.’
‘Are you kidding, stop apologising! This is an all-time killer brag.’
‘OK. Bye, then,’ Matt said, barely meeting their eyes as he left, to muttered farewells.
Roisin wanted to say something supportive, but with Gina on her last nerve, she didn’t dare say more than, ‘Bye, take care.’
After a beat, they shamelessly reassembled by the window to spectate, the Jeep now with tail-lights on and one door open. Eventually Matt walked into view, dressed like hip Doctor Who again, headphones round his neck.
He glanced at the dining room window and raised a palm.
‘It’s like he’s getting into a spaceship,’ Anita said. ‘With an alien.’
‘Goodbye, Matthew McKenzie,’ Joe said, waving. ‘Your passing leaves a huge hole.’
‘Lesson learned,’ Dev said. ‘Always worth checking exactly who Matt is dating. Next time he says “Kylie”, I’m going to be like “Minogue or Jenner?”’
Except, Roisin thought, had Joe not stopped Matt’s reverse catfish reveal, they would’ve known.
And she noticed, save one piece of sass, Joe had been unusually restrained around Amelia Tornado. She guessed it was because his precious career prohibited being sarcastically insulting to very well-known actresses. Game recognised game.
‘Did this happen? I’m shaking,’ Roisin said, as the car drove away and adrenaline started ebbing back out of her veins. ‘Did Amelia Lee turn out to be Matt’s latest girlfriend, and Gina told her to go fuck herself? Did I really say: “are you Amelia Lee?” like a total melt? I felt like I’d asked someone in the Mafia if they were in the Mafia. Something you don’t ever do.’
‘Glad you did, ’cos until then I was going to go with jewel thief,’ Anita said. ‘I thought she might be on the run. No photos!’
‘If it’s a hallucination, I must have eaten the same hash cake,’ Meredith said, putting her arms round Roisin. ‘Oh, Miss Walters, make it make sense.’
Without needing to communicate their next thoughts, they looked at each other in concern, and over at Gina, who was saloon-in-a-western sploshing more wine into her glass, while making a sly face Roisin could only classify as ‘Fleabag’.
Much as Gina had chewed Matt out for his felonies, Roisin felt sure she’d feel even worse than him tomorrow, psychically as well as physically.
‘Joe! The time!’ Anita said, looking at her phone. ‘Hunter starts in five minutes! Everyone, get your drinks, we’re going to the screening room!’
‘It’s going to feel like something of an anti-climax now, isn’t it?’ Joe said. ‘Talk about a hard act to follow.’
Very recently, Roisin would’ve said this statement from Joe was false modesty. But frankly, he could be right.