Chapter Twenty
NASH
“So are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, or do I have to wrestle it out of you like I did in the ninth grade when you had a crush on my girlfriend?”
“What’re you talking about?” Nash couldn’t disguise his smile.
He and Brandon were sitting at a Starbucks after work. Nash’s mind drifted to Kiran often, despite his attempts to stay present. Judging by the expression on Brandon’s face, his wandering thoughts were evident to anyone and everyone around him.
“It’s the Indian girl, isn’t it?”
“For being such a moron, how do you always figure me out?”
“Are you being serious right now? You remember I was around during your disastrous effort at hiding the fact that you liked my cousin, right?”
“Whatever, dude. We don’t talk about that.” He didn’t need a reminder of how Brandon’s cousin Marley had treated him like her own butler and how, in his besotted state, Nash had allowed her to.
“Okay, well, then let’s talk about this girl. It sounds like things have escalated since your friendly dinner.”
“I fell for her. We’ve hung out almost every weekend for the last three or four months.”
“I knew it!”
Nash chuckled at Brandon’s enthusiasm. “Actually, it was something you said about Tasha that made me realize Kiran might be more than a friend.”
“What’s that?”
“You mentioned that you felt like you’d been playing around until she showed up…and I sort of felt the same way about my life. Like I’d never let anyone in until her. I mean, besides you and Kate.”
“Did you tell her about your parents?” Brandon gave Nash a knowing look.
Nash nodded. “We went to the zoo, actually—”
“That’s big. You always skipped any class trips there.”
“I guess I wanted to save any memory of spending time with my mom there before she died, and afterward, I couldn’t bring myself to go.”
“So you went to the zoo and…”
“It hit me a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would, man. I thought I’d dealt with all of it and come to terms with my history, because I figured everyone was at peace and it gave me the opportunity to focus on myself, but here I was, looking at a freaking giraffe and feeling like I was going to lose my mind.”
“Did she calm you down?”
“She was amazing. I felt really chilled out by the way she handled it.”
Brandon quietly watched Nash pour a packet of sugar in his coffee. After a few seconds of silence, he spoke with consideration and thought.
“You know, Nash, you’ve always kept women at an arm’s length. I won’t go as far as to say you were terribly damaged—I think you came out more brilliantly than anyone in your situation could have. God knows my parents marvel about it all the time. A lot of that is a testament to your resilience…but I’ve always worried about you. When you dated Brooke in college and that girl in medical school—”
“Riley.”
“Yeah. Her. You never even mentioned that your mom was an addict. Just that she had died. You hid parts of yourself. I don’t know if it was because you were ashamed or because you didn’t want to broach the pain. I don’t even know if you’re sure which one it was. But either way, this is huge for you. She has to be the real deal if you’re willing to admit where you came from with honesty.”
“How the heck did you get so smart? I’m the one with the psych degree.”
“Dude, you’ve met my parents. My mom yelled, ‘Make good choices,’ every time she dropped me off anywhere—including at my fraternity in college. You think they’d let me get away with being a douchebag?”
“Fair point.”
“Anyway…have you told her how you feel?”
Nash shook his head.
“Why not?”
Nash ran his fingers through his hair with more force than he intended to. “I know it’s this massive milestone to have told her about my parents. But I worry about her getting too close…knowing the guilt I still feel, or the anger, or the abandonment. It’s a giant can of worms. I don’t know if she’s willing to go in. And more than that, I don’t know if it’s selfish for me to ask her to.”
“I think you’re full of shit.”
“How do you figure?”
“I think you’re being a martyr by keeping it so close to you. It’s probably not healthy. And the truth is, she’s come this far and hasn’t been scared away by your demons. You have to trust that she’ll tell you if she is. I think it’s more selfish for you to be a half-involved man than a flawed, fully invested one.” Brandon shrugged, as if his conclusion was obvious. “But that’s my two cents. I’ve only known you twenty-five years.”
Nash chuckled. “Duly noted.”
“Let her in. Tell her how you feel and hope for the best. I have a feeling she won’t disappoint.”
“She’s also hard to read sometimes.”
“Meaning?”
“We have these moments of connection where she… I mean, I can’t think straight and she’s the only person in the room to me. Then we’ll touch or be flirtatious or whatever, and it’s like watching a drawbridge go up. She closes her doors. Five minutes later, she’s there but not there—close to me and completely unreachable.”
“Is she fighting it too?”
“I don’t know. She’s…serious. I mean, she lets loose and is amazing to be around, but she takes life seriously. She came to the United States to set up her life, and you can tell she doesn’t want to blow it. And I’m not sure I can be that guy who doesn’t fuck up. Look at the stock I came from.”
“You haven’t fucked up. Ever.”
“What if she isn’t willing to give this a shot?”
“Did you ask her if she’s holding back?”
“Of course not.”
“You’re a psychologist, idiot. You have to broach how she feels, don’t you? Find out what she’s thinking. Let her in too.”
“I’m a little scared of that, if I’m honest. Getting attached to someone, letting them see my fears and hopes, and then having them leave.” He gave a shudder.
Brandon paused. “It sure doesn’t sound like she’s someone who would throw something meaningful away.”
Nash sighed and shook his head. “She’s not. She’s careful and meticulous. But that fear never really goes away, and if she’s holding back, how do I know it won’t backfire on me?”
“You won’t know unless you try, Nash. Take a chance.”
Perhaps his best friend was right. Maybe he had to let Kiran all the way in.
But first, he had to tell her how he felt.