NINETEEN
Berry picked me up at my house an hour before the party, arriving just as I was debating whether or not I should wear my velvet tuxedo, which, to me did not seem that dressy. But as it turned out even Berry, who was mostly up for any combination of clothing I could dream up, was wearing what looked like a pretty functional wool sweater over her coveralls and she did not think the tux was a good idea.
“It’s already cold out,” she said. “The party’s probably outside.”
“Oh.” I looked at the tux. It was velvet but probably not really suitable for outdoors. “Okay, hold on.”
Berry sat on the bed and looked around my room. “So Gilly thought you should go to this party and talk to Sarah?”
I pulled my sweater out of my closet. “Yes.”
“And does Sarah know you’re going to talk to her?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted, peeling off my tux jacket and yanking the sweater over my head. “But Gilly will be there. Maybe she’ll be like a liaison, kind of.”
“Right.” Berry sounded entirely unconvinced.
“I mean, we go, if Sarah won’t talk to us, how much worse can things be than they are now?”
As soon as I said it, I realized it was a ridiculous thing to say.
“We could talk to Sarah and Tanner at school? In your mom’s office or something? Like, official?” Berry added, a legitimately good idea.
“Yeah, but Lucy is already, like, dealing with this and if I do it this way, then I’m taking it off her plate,” I summarized.
“I just think— I mean going to Tanner’s house. Like I know you went to Gilly’s house. But.” Berry stuck her finger into the hole on the thigh of her coveralls. “I don’t know, Anne. You know?”
“Hey!” I shoved my foot into a sparkle-covered platinum boot and looked up. “Do you not want to go?”
“Are you going?” Berry shifted on the bed.
Bjorn, who was slumbering on my pillow, did not move.
“Yes, I mean, I said I would.”
“Then we’re going.” Berry stood up.
In the car, she clicked on a Tegan and Sara track and turned the volume up. Blasting music as Mato wound through the various roads that got thinner and thinner for every mile we got closer to Tanner’s house. When we were almost there, she turned down the music with a click.
And then she was just staring at the driveway as it got closer and closer, like it was a lion’s open jaws.
“Hey.” I turned in my seat to face her. “Do you want to turn around?”
“Do you want to turn around?”
I pulled my hands into my sweater sleeves, already cold. Like, really, it didn’t look like a thing that anyone would want to do, drive through that set of tall iron gates.
But I said I would.
And Gilly said she would be there.
“We’ll just stay for a few minutes,” I offered. “Just to see what it’s like, right? Show-of-good-faith kind of thing.”
“Sure,” Berry said, turning the wheel and passing through the gates. “Few minutes.”
At the end of a very winding driveway, Tanner’s house appeared, a green-and-white mini mansion surrounded by manicured, well-placed trees. The front of the property was stacked with cars and trucks. Even before we pulled up, I could hear the music blasting outside the window.
“Why are they doing this on a Tuesday?” I mused.
“Because there’s a big card game that happens at John’s parents’ house every Tuesday,” Berry said, pulling the keys out of the ignition and tucking them in her pocket. “All the Forevers’ parents go. And they stay out late.”
“OH!”
“Yeah.” Berry threw open the door. “Okay, let’s go.”
Out back, behind the house, the yard was set up with lights and various firepits, with circles of teenagers all gathered in clumps. A giant set of speakers was set up on a big patio table, blasting music with enough bass to plug or unplug your ears.
I looked around, staring at each group I could see from where we were standing, for a girl with crutches and long hair, who I hoped would be there. But was not.
“What should we do?” I asked.
“How should I know? This was YOUR idea,” Berry said, shoving her hands in her pockets.
“Why don’t we just get the party feel?” I said. “Then we can find Gilly and Sarah and Tanner.”
Berry held out her hand. “After you.”
Okay, so walking around a backyard full of bad music and people who don’t like you or don’t know you (although probably they knew me by reputation) was about as fun as you would think. Most of the kids were drunk or drinking, and laughing that loud laugh you do when you’re wasted.
And, of course, at the end of the rainbow was Tanner, who was standing with Sarah, a beer in hand, scowling at us as we rounded the corner.
“Hey!” a familiar voice called over my shoulder.
Gilly was wearing a big puffy jacket and a pair of jeans, one leg of which was rolled up to make room for a big gray medical robotic-looking boot. She was on crutches, which I could see were sinking into the dirt as she made her way toward us.
“Hey!” I called back, sounding more chipper than I meant to.
I felt Berry give me a look. “Hey,” she said.
“Hey, Berry!” Gilly was out of breath by the time she got to us. She leaned on her crutches. “So, you came! That’s great!” She looked over her shoulder. “Okay.”
“Yeah,” I said. “So should we talk to Sarah?”
Suddenly, behind us, someone let out a long, low burp, which wafted through the air and set the tone for the rest of our conversation.
Gilly’s face seemed to freeze as she looked at the source of the burp behind me. “Hey.”
“What are you guys doing here?”
I turned, Berry plastered against my side.
“Hey, Tanner. Sarah. Great party.” I could feel my cheeks getting stiff as my lips pulled into a nervous smile.
Tanner was wearing (shocker) a soccer jersey and pants. Sarah was wearing a shiny pink coat with little hearts on it. They were both, clearly, kind of wasted.
“So, Sarah,” Gilly’s voice hiccupped. “Anne actually wanted to talk to you. About the play?”
Anne wanted to talk to you?
Sarah squinted.
“How nice.” Sarah’s jacket zipped up to her chin in a way that to me looked uncomfortable. “What, so now that it looks like you’re not going to get your little play, you want to talk?”
I could hear Berry swallow.
“Ah, no.” My eyes flickered toward Gilly. “I just thought maybe we could talk? Since it seems like there’s a lot of conflict? Maybe we could deal with it. . .here?”
“Okay.” Sarah folded her arms. “So talk.”
“Okaaaay.” I pressed my arms down by my sides to try and look less defensive despite the flame of self- defensiveness coursing through my body. “I know it’s maybe weird to have someone new here? In Greenville? And maybe that’s part of what’s been going on?”
Tanner snorted.
I gritted my teeth. “I’m just thinking. We haven’t really had a chance to talk through the things we don’t get along about? So maybe we’re both going off impressions of each other instead of getting to know who we each actually are?”
“What does that mean?” Sarah took a slug of beer.
“Like, you don’t really know me,” I said.
“Oh my God!” Sarah howled. “Whatever. Have you ever thought that maybe you are the one who’s prejudiced against us? Like, it is possible to be prejudiced against white people, by the way.”
Yikes. HUGE YIKES.
The flame blossomed into a roaring inferno.
“I don’t think that’s exactly what we’re talking about here? Look, I just thought”—I could hear the conviction funneling out of my voice—“we could talk instead of bringing our parents into this.”
“By ‘parents’ you mean your mom the so-called vice principal. Who only got her job because she’s gay,” Tanner added.
Gilly shifted on her crutches. “You don’t know that.”
Sarah snapped around to face Gilly. “Oh my God, Gilly. Shut the fuck up.”
Gilly’s face seemed to crumble.
Sarah turned back to face me, holding up a finger in my face. “I am so sick of all this, like, bullshit around like how I’m supposed to treat you. As if, like, everyone isn’t going out of their way to make you feel special when really you’re just a weirdo who dresses weird? Who sings gay songs and so you get the part in the play even though you clearly suck? Like you somehow deserve to be treated special because you’re adopted from like China or whatever.”
“FUCK YOU!” Berry stepped forward.
I grabbed her arm just as she was about to lunge.
Tanner chuckled, taking a swig of his beer. “Oh right, now Berry has something to say. No one gives a fuck what you have to say, Bluebe rry.”
“I give a fuck,” I spat. “Come on, Berry. This party sucks ass. Nice firepits.”
“Right, I didn’t invite you,” Tanner slurred, taking another swig from his beer. “So you should probably fuck off now.”
I took a step back. “Yeah, I already said we were leaving. Way to swing ahead of the curve.”
Without looking, we marched away, not out. But actually to the edge of Tanner’s property, to the edge of an abyss of country-style blackout dark. My legs felt like jelly.
“I’m so sorry,” Berry said. “Oh my God, I am so so sorry, Anne.”
“Why are you sorry?” My heart dropped. “I brought you here. Because I’m clearly a party genius who can tell what parties will be good for negotiating not being an asshole. Like, I’m a complete empty-brain nightmare. And I dragged you into it.”
Tears streaked down my cheeks. I felt Berry’s hand on my arm. Like a cat’s paw.
“You know the last time I was here,” she said, “it was for Tanner’s, like, tenth birthday party? And they had a pony? And it shit everywhere. And Tanner wore a little cowboy outfit. And the pony bit him twice. Once in the back.”
“You were here? For his birthday?”
“Back when everyone was invited to birthday parties.” Berry looked around. “Yah.”
“Did you have to bring a present?” I asked.
“Price of admission.” Berry nodded. “I think I brought a puzzle. My dad is big on them.”
“Your dad is so cool,” I sniffed.
“Sometimes,” Berry conceded.
I could feel my heartbeat starting to slow to something less than a frantic marching band.
“Did you ever get a loot bag?”
“A loot bag?” Berry’s forehead crinkled. “Like stealing?”
“No! A loot bag. Is that what you call it? Like a present you get for going to someone’s party,” I said.
“I don’t think so.” Berry tapped her lip. “I think Tanner’s mom used to give everyone scented candles to take home.”
“And yet, somehow, I’m the weird one.”
Berry smirked. “I think I might have barfed because I ate too much cake.”
“I, as you know, am well acquainted with inappropriate feelings of nausea.”
Somewhere behind us a girl started screaming as she was picked up and slung over someone else’s shoulder. “LET ME GO! HAHAHAH! YOU DICK!”
“You know who I bet throws good parties,” I thought out loud, “I bet you Mr. Davidson throws really interesting parties.” I pulled my hands into the sleeves. The air was starting to chill my nose to the temperature of a glass of ice water.
“Because he wears turtlenecks.”
“Well, I don’t think the fact that he wears turtlenecks means he doesn’t throw a good party,” I said. “I mean, Tanner probably doesn’t own a turtleneck, and this party. . .”
“Sucks,” Berry finished. “Okay. Look. I’m going in to use the bathroom and then we’re getting the heck out of here and go someplace way less horrible. Okay?”
I nodded. “I’m sorry I—”
“Never mind.” She grabbed my sleeve, “But you have to come with me.”
“Yeah,” I said. “You’re not going in Tanner Spencer’s house alone.”
There was a strange gray emptiness to the Spencer house, and not just because everyone was outside. The walls were all white and covered in posed photos of the family in various stiff positions. All the flowers in vases were dried, calcified stiff. It smelled like vanilla the way a house that’s forced to smell like vanilla smells like vanilla.
Scented candles, probably, I thought, making my way through the hallways as carefully as possible.
“This place makes me nervous,” I said, looking around.
“Imagine coming here when you were six.”
“Yikes.”
“At least it means I know where the guest bathroom is,” Berry mumbled. “I think.”
She found the bathroom.
“Okay.” Berry ducked through a door. “Don’t leave.”
I stared at gray furniture accented with pops of bright red that reminded me of blood.
“I won’t leave.”
Outside the shouting rose and fell like waves. The girl who was screaming earlier was still screaming, and now there were other shouts. Not happy shouts.
Other shouts.
I craned to see out the window at the end of the hall. The yelling was getting louder.
“Berry!” I pressed my face against the door.
“GAH! You scared the shit out of me!”
“Something is happening! Outside.”
There was the sudden slap of a screen door being thrown open and footsteps rumbling through the halls.
“There’s a fire!” someone shouted. “We can’t get it out. Yeah. Spencer place. Yeah. Quick!”
“Tell them to stop pouring booze on it,” someone else shouted.
“Berry.” I hammered not calmly on the door. “Berr y ! It’s a fire.”
Berry burst out of the door like a superhero about to take flight. “Come on!”
We bolted through the hallways. Outside there was a thick curl of smoke in the air. One of the firepits had tipped over and the flames were starting to spread across the grass. There was a group scattered around the fire. But, like, not necessarily doing anything.
A little ways away, I could see Tanner on his hands and knees, puking. Sarah was patting his back and looked like she was crying. I sprinted to catch up with Berry, who had cut across the green and slipped into a small shed at the edge of the property.
“Take this,” she hollered, tossing me a shovel. It was about the same size as me.
Berry grabbed another shovel and then tore back through the grass toward the fire. A few boys were flapping at the flames with their jackets, an act that looked like it was mostly making the fire bigger. Gilly was nowhere to be seen.
Berry stuck her shovel in the dirt near the edge of the fire, then tossed a clump over the flames, which did seem to snuff them out. I did the same.
“Hey!” Tanner screamed, from his puke spot. “What the fuck are you doing to my FUCKING LAWN, you fucking fat COW?” With a strange grace, he wobbled toward us. “You think this is your fucking property?”
“HEY!” I held up my shovel, fully prepared to swing it like a baseball bat. “We’re PUTTING OUT the fire. Even though YOU are an ASSHOLE. And you’re too much of a pathetic sap to deal with your own SHIT.”
“FUCK YOU, ANNE!” Tanner shoved his face into mine.
“NO,” I boomed back, “FUCK YOU!”
“TANNER!” someone in the distance yelled. “Someone broke the back door!”
Tanner stumbled backward, disappearing into the crowd. “Fuck you, dykes.”
In a haze of smoke, we shoveled clump after clump of dirt on the flames until all that was left was the smell of burnt and beer. The shouts of kids freaking out were suddenly drowned out by the sound of a siren.
Berry tossed her shovel on the ground. “They’re here,” she said, “let’s go.”
I handed my shovel to the kid behind me, who turned out to be Sarah. She stared at me, wide-eyed.
“Take it,” I said.
Sarah blinked. Her face looked puffy. She took the shovel.
“At some point,” I snapped, “you’re going to look back at this and realize you were the asshole tonight. Whatever other bullshit you want to tell yourself.”
“BYE!” Berry added, then burst into a jog.
I ran after her, sliding into her car while she revved the engine. We exited just as the firefighters hopped out of their truck. Little stones spat out from under our tires as we skidded past them and swerved through the open gate to the road.
“Fucking Tanner Spencer, fucking Sarah Pye,” Berry muttered, her grip so tight on the wheel her knuckles were little white mountains. “Fucking Gilly Henderson.”
“What did she think was going to happen?” I grumbled. “Like, did she really think Sarah was going to listen to me?”
Berry gripped the wheel.
“When you guys stopped being friends, did she say why? Like did you have a fight?”
“No. But Sarah Pye didn’t like me, so it didn’t take, like, a genius to figure it out. I mean, they made sure I knew without them saying anything.”
Two lights appeared in the road ahead of us, which became a large silver truck that was going faster than we were, and slid past us so fast it was gone in a blink.
“Who’s that?” I wondered aloud. Maybe it was Gilly.
“Mr. and Mrs. Spencer,” Berry said. “Back from poker.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah.”
The soft glow from Berry’s headlights lit a dim path along the road. Mato hummed and squeaked as we sat in silence for the rest of the ride until we got to my house.
“Okay,” Berry said, shifting into park. “Safe and sound.”
“Thanks to you,” I added. I cracked open the door. I could hear Monty barking inside. “You saved the day,” I said as I unbuckled my seat belt. “Like, really.”
“Yeah.” Berry looked down at the steering wheel. “Did you go to the party because you wanted to, like, make peace with Sarah, or because you like Gilly?”
“What?”
Berry’s knuckles turned white as she gripped the wheel, “Can I just, like— Do you like Gilly? Like like her?”
“I don’t—” My words stuck in my throat. “I mean, I had this moment where she seemed like someone I could like?”
“Even though she’s super mean to you.” Berry’s voice sounded like cement.
“I mean, Sarah was mean,” I corrected.
“Gilly helped Sarah be mean.” Berry re-corrected.
“But she tried to speak up today.. . .”
“For like a second.” Berry’s voice cracked. “Like one second. And then Sarah said to shut up and Gilly did.”
“I guess I felt like. . .” I could feel my palms sweating. “Like maybe there was more to her, than that?”
“Right. Sure. Okay.” Berry nodded. “Okay, cool. Well. Good night.”
I could feel something in the car, like a blanket of disappointment, as I peeled out of my seat and ducked out the door.
I stayed outside and waited for Berry’s headlights to disappear into the night.
“ANNE!”
Lucy stood in the doorway, huffing like she was some sort of ticking time bomb.
“Get in here. Right. Now.”
“What? People do parties on Tuesday here,” I said, pulling off my sweater as I brushed past her into the house.
Inside, in the light of our living room lamps, it was clear that the color had drained from Lucy’s face.
“Did you set Tanner Spencer’s backyard on FIRE?”