Chapter Eighteen
KIRAN
A beat flew by where she wanted to sprint into his arms and press her lips against his. But instead she stood there, staring at him.
“Check it out. The Empire State is different colors.” He pointed.
The air around them sucked back into her lungs, and the people around them snapped into focus, making their presence known all of a sudden with their buzzing words and laughter.
“Oh… What… Yeah! It does that.” She tried to recover quickly, but her heart simultaneously calmed and fell. It returned to a steady beat at the passing conversation but fell for reasons she couldn’t explain. Like disappointment but deeper…and not quite reaching the level of heartbreak.
Instead, she watched the city lights beneath her. Her mind drifted, as it always did, to all the lives that could be changing within the glowing expanse. To her parents. To what the world was like “down there” versus up here, and how she felt removed.
“What’re you thinking?” Nash whispered in her ear.
“Big things,” she murmured.
Their shoulders brushed against each other. Nash leaned on his elbows, set against the railing. Kiran kept her clasped hands against her chest as she pushed against the railing herself. Even leaning, Nash’s height was a hair taller than Kiran’s.
She grew aware of how close they were standing. Anyone who saw them would know they were together and that they were the only ones at the Rock that night in their party of two, a bubble of their own. She liked how she imagined they looked together, her dusky skin next to his white. She imagined someone would see comfort, friendship, and a home of sorts when they saw the two of them laughing together. The picture gave her an ache, a yearning to be the girl in a pair who could prompt anyone’s gaze.
“Tell me.”
“City lights make me happy.”
“Why’s that?”
“The enormity of it. It never fades. We’re up here and watching these lights, and millions of people are out there. Someone could be having their heart broken right now. Someone could be having a baby—”
“Someone could be finding the love of their life,” Nash interrupted quietly.
She smiled to herself. “Exactly.”
“Do you believe in soul mates?”
He was looking out at the expanse in front of them, the lights reflecting in his eyes and adding a glint to his already existing mischief. Kiran gazed at his square forehead, disrupted by a small widow’s peak. The outline of his face gradually dropped into his nose—straight, strong, and bigger from the side than anyone would notice from the front—and delicately led to a thinner upper lip and fuller bottom one. His jaw was square but delicately so, giving him a human edge to the marble statuesque vibe he exuded otherwise. His dimples and creases from his smile were visible even when he was serious. Whatever the opposite of a resting bitch face was, Nash was the unknowing owner of it.
She was poised to say no, she wasn’t sure about soul mates, but she believed in destiny. Then he looked over at her and smiled.
“Yes. I do,” she whispered back.
A nudge behind her heart told her she was staring at hers.
“Me too.”
“I don’t know that I believe in one though.”
“Yeah? What do you mean? Like there’s more than one person out there for you?”
“Like a soul mate doesn’t have to be in the form of a lover. I would consider my best friends Akash, Sonam, and Payal to be my soul mates, but they aren’t people I’d date. I think soul mates understand you in a transcendent way. They experience your worst with you rather than solely bearing witness to it. They fly with you when you soar rather than watching your wings.”
“Hallmark card?” Nash teased.
“Archies,” Kiran answered with a deadpan tone, naming the Indian equivalent.
“I have no idea what that is and now I feel really stupid.”
“Now you understand what it’s like to be me trying to keep up with everyone’s references.”
He laughed at their digression before turning serious again. “So multiple soul mates.”
“I think so. How about you?”
“I believe something similar…that you connect with everyone you meet. But I think sometimes you fall in love with someone more deeply than you have before, and you can’t explain why or how. They break through your defenses and create a home within you, and no one can ever occupy it again.”
“That’s a beautiful way of saying it.”
“Really? Because I thought it was a little hokey.”
“Never. There has to be a plan to it all, you know? Destiny. Fate. I find it depressing to think things weren’t meant to be a certain way, because it means we’ve made choices and ended up there all on our own. That’s a lonely thought.”
“I agree. The dots connect eventually…at least that’s what I’d like to think. I’ve never really been in love—first loves, crushes, things like that but never the kind of connection I hope exists out there.”
She didn’t want to ruin the moment and mention she was supposed to have a semi-arranged marriage. Bringing it up would only lead to more questions, and the wistfulness of this moment would be lost. Kiran wasn’t ready for that. And explaining the practicality of an arranged marriage would tarnish the idea of soul mates and destiny. Kiran believed with all her heart that whoever she was to marry through an arranged match was also a product of destiny, but the intertwining of logic and destiny wasn’t as romantic as believing that one person existed for her and that somehow, somewhere, he would find her.
“You’ve kind of grown on me, you know.” Kiran bumped her shoulder against his.
“You mean you didn’t love me at first sight?”
“I don’t believe in love at first sight.”
“Not surprising.” Nash rolled his eyes.
“Why do you say that?”
“You’re methodical. You’re an engineer. Type A. Honestly, you believing in soul mates was a surprise.”
“I believe in order and that you have to keep a level head. But sometimes…you have to believe in something greater than you. I’d like to think God has a plan for me, and even if that soul mate is someone I meet in an understated way, that they were meant for me. But love at first sight…it’s lustful. It’s just you falling for someone’s looks. That’s not destiny or fate; that’s you thinking with parts of your body other than your head.”
“Well…one of them, anyway.”
“Nash!” Kiran tried to be uptight about his dirty implication, but she couldn’t help the snort of laughter.
“It’s true! Though I don’t believe in love at first sight either.”
“So…you’ve never been in love, huh?” She probed, wanting to know everything.
“A couple of times. But not a forever love. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah. It does.”
Kiran tried to remember what she felt like with Vinay, her college sweetheart, but she couldn’t sort out whether she’d felt love or obligation with him. It certainly felt like love at the time. But she didn’t feel a fire with him. Did it still qualify?
“Have you?”
“I dated someone through most of college. He was my first,” she admitted.
“Oh, so you do have a scandalous side, Kiran Mathur!” Nash laughed.
“Down, boy. I wasn’t that wild!”
“Not love?”
“It was first love. Not forever.”
They hadn’t moved an inch as they talked of being meant for someone. Their tones were so hushed, they had to lean against each other to hear. The intimacy of being the only girl Nash was focusing on filled Kiran with a rush she couldn’t describe. And while she had never experienced a true, forever love, as they chattered over the lights of the skyline that night, she suddenly felt as though maybe she deserved to.
* * *
The funny thing about living in cities where there were famous sights was that natives never really went to them…or they were dragged there as children, got sick of them, and never visited again as adults unless they were taking guests.
Kiran had traveled up to the top of the Empire State Building. She’d made a visit to the Statue of Liberty to see the gateway to the nation she’d joined. She’d checked out Times Square more than she could handle. Central Park had received her footfalls plenty, with each visit showing her something new about nature in the middle of a concrete jungle.
But something had shifted. She found herself googling some of the other sights in the city.
Kiran thought back to the fact that Nash missed the South sometimes and that they both had experienced some type of loss. Sometimes, she wondered what he’d think of a restaurant she passed on the street or wanted to tell him about a joke she’d heard at work. Occasionally, they emailed journal articles back and forth about scientific breakthroughs made in diagnostics.
The involvement of Nash in her daily life was one of the most comfortable things she’d ever experienced. It was also one of the most terrifying.
No matter how much she wanted to run from the notion that she got butterflies when she thought of him or wanted to put some space between them, she couldn’t. The draw to him overwhelmed any intent she had to separate herself.
And it was that very draw that had her texting him today.
Kiran: Zoo this weekend?
A minute passed.
Two.
Five.
Ten minutes later, Kiran was still waiting.
She figured Nash was busy at work. But she grew unsettled, uncomfortable, and worse, insecure at the strange gap in time.
Girlfriend…get a grip, she told herself and immersed herself in examining some of the results from the breast cancer study her team was working on. But she still found herself checking her phone more often than usual.
Four hours later, Nash finally responded.
Nash: Sure, sounds great. I’ll meet you there around noon on Saturday?
On Saturday, Kiran’s morning slugged toward noon, but she began polishing her cupboards out of desperation to make the seconds tick by faster, and before she knew, it was time to move.
For the first time since they’d begun hanging out, Nash had gotten to their destination before Kiran.
“Ah, looks like my superpowers rubbed off on you!” she exclaimed as she gave him a quick hug.
“Gotta be early when meeting a pretty lady!” He offered his arm.
She hesitated for a moment, as though his arm would wind around her heart and then she’d never let go of him, but then she thought better of it. She put her hand through his crooked elbow, and they paid for their tickets together before entering the zoo enclosure.
She noticed Nash take a deep breath.
“You okay?”
His jaw remained clenched as he nodded. “So…what animals do you want to see first? Baby sea lions?”
“Admit it, the baby sea lions excite you too.”
“I don’t think anyone can argue against baby animals unless you’re heartless or a horrible human being all around.”
Kiran stopped for a map to plot out their walk, but by the time she had formulated a plan and looked up, Nash was ten steps ahead, waiting at the opening to the sea lion tank.
“So I think I figured out the best way to do this…”
Nash rolled his eyes and took the map out of her hands. “We’ll sort it out. Let’s go.”
As they walked toward the sea lion pool, Kiran swung her arms and nearly skipped at the sight of giant sea lions lounging in the shade from the sun.
They were like humans on a weekend, wanting to chill out and relax.
She and Nash paused at the tank, letting the scent of fish and salt water waft over them. The water glimmered underneath the sun, and children squealed with delight at every small movement each sea lion made, from a yawn to the twitch of a whisker.
In silence, when both of them had gotten their fill, they went over to the exhibit for penguins and other birds. There, they watched the antics of penguins diving in headfirst.
Kiran gave a shiver, unable to imagine living on ice for an entire lifetime. Though staring at a little creature that seemed to relish the attention by swimming near the glass and dancing against it with his wings, perhaps it wasn’t so bad.
“Well, we know which penguin is the center of the show at home.” Nash pointed and mimicked his swift wing batting.
“He seems happy.”
“Why wouldn’t he be?”
“I don’t know. I love zoos and animals, don’t get me wrong…but I can’t imagine not being free. They spend their entire lives away from their natural habitat. These penguins are in a little tank in New York City.”
Nash put his hands in his pockets, nodding his head as he considered it. “Well, it’s all they know. Can you be unhappy if you don’t know a different lifestyle exists?”
“I wonder if they’ve ever wanted more.”
Her observation wasn’t meant to be tied to her life. After all, she was gazing at little birds in a giant tank. But she couldn’t help wondering if the notion did run parallel to her life.
“You never know. That one could want a life on Broadway.”
“He definitely wouldn’t be a chorus dancer, that’s for sure.”
“Did you know penguins mate for life?”
“No, they don’t. Really?”
“Like eighty percent of the time, yeah. And for some breeds, the father penguin holds onto the egg and keeps it warm while the mama goes fishin’.” The twang of the South slipped into his unguarded voice.
“I didn’t know that either. Did you know that peacocks can give a little shimmy and change their vocal tone to attract females?”
Nash chuckled. “That can’t be true.”
“It is, I swear. They just”—Kiran shook her shoulders and her bottom like she was doing the chicken dance—“and their pitch changes.”
“Can you do that dance again? I…uh, didn’t catch it the first time.”
She blushed, not even realizing she’d shaken it out in public, but like Nash’s southern accent, it was an uninhibited rarity.
“That’s such a random fact. How do you even know that about peacocks?”
“I’m from a tropical country and also from a village. I saw them sometimes. How do you know that tidbit about penguins, Nash from Nashville?” She put a hand on her waist.
“I hoped to use that fact when I found my penguin.” He smirked now.
“I should have known. You do seem like the guy who would learn random facts to impress girls.”
“Kiran, I don’t know why you choose to hurt me that way,” he deadpanned.
“Whatever,” she scoffed. “Like my opinion matters to you.”
“Maybe it does. You matter to me. Therefore, your opinion matters to me.”
Her jaw went slack, her breath escaping her in a whoosh. Could it be that she mattered to him as much as he mattered to her?
They spent the next hour wandering from exhibit to exhibit, making stops at various animals. Kiran had never been so close to a tiger before as one lying sleeping against the glass. As they circled through the park, Kiran laughed harder and harder at his jokes, drunk on hearing his voice. Nash’s shoulders fell back as he eased up his guard, though Kiran never even anticipated he had one to begin with…but as he cracked more jokes and made fun of her, she could see that even he had a wall, paper thin but existent, that people had to rip through before understanding him.
And the significant nudge behind her heart told her she wanted to.