Chapter Sixteen
KIRAN
“All I’ve wanted is Indian food for the last four days,” Sonam said as the CMC lounged about her living room and went over the collection of takeout menus she kept in her odds-and-ends drawer.
“All you had to do was ask and I would have come over to make some,” Kiran said.
“No, not like yours…bad-for-you Indian food. You make Indian food with lighter oil and no cream.”
“I’m trying to be healthy!”
“Exactly. Sometimes what you need isn’t what’s good for you but what’s absolutely terrible and makes you happy.”
“Oh, hey, kind of like Nash,” Payal pointed out.
Akash gazed at Kiran, who remained silent but glared in turn at Payal.
“Are we not going to address the hippo in the room?” he asked after a few seconds.
“It’s an ‘elephant,’” Kiran corrected.
“Wow, so it’s an even bigger issue we’re not talking about, huh?”
Smart-ass.
The three of them stared at Kiran, whose cheeks heated up and fists bunched under the scrutiny.
“What?” she said.
It was like each admission, each time she said Nash’s name out loud, she was losing more control over the situation…over herself.
“Okay, I’m hangry, so you can blame the bluntness on that, but are we really going to dance around this? You’re acting like it’s not a big deal but, Kiran, you have barely hung out with friends outside of us. You go to happy hours sometimes with people from work, but we’re the people you’ve allowed closest to you. And now, here comes this dude who you’re hanging out with all the time. You can’t argue that at the very least, something about him is different enough that you’re letting him into your circle.”
Kiran couldn’t deny that. She frowned.
“I can’t like him—”
“You already said you did,” Sonam cut in.
“No, I didn’t—”
“You told Payal. Don’t deny it. She told us.”
Kiran turned on Payal, throwing her hands up to ask, What the fuck?
“Hey, normally, friend code wins.” Payal shrugged. “But you didn’t have to say a single word. Your face says it all right now. So I say with all the love in the world, don’t pin this on my traitorous behavior when you’re looking for an out.”
Kiran sighed. Her fists balled up in her lap. Her insides twisted as though they were being physically wrenched in two different directions.
“I do like him,” she said. “That’s not the question. It’s just…I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes. We’re kind of flirtatious and we have a spark—and every time I get close to him, it’s like this little light goes off in my head and sirens screech that he’s supposed to be a friend and nothing more.”
“Then do something about it,” said Akash. “Tell him you like him.”
“I think you’re wasting your time,” Sonam said.
They turned to her.
“Kiran, he does make you happy. Any fool can see that. But is it worth it? Your parents are your parents, and they’ve been through so much. You all have. Pouring gasoline on the fire is only going to burn you all.”
Kiran’s reactions zipped from understanding to irritation. Irrational anger filled her at the thought of giving up Nash and the mere suggestion that perhaps she should take the path of least resistance.
But then her mind flew toward understanding…because Sonam was right. Her family had been everything to her for twenty-eight years. She, Baba, and Ma had held themselves up as a unit, like legs on a stool, always preventing each other from tilting over and shattering.
“I think your eyes actually just crossed.” Akash raised an eyebrow at her. “Don’t hurt yourself.”
“Shut up, Akash,” Payal said. “Be more empathetic.”
Akash rolled his eyes. “Kiran, you’re smart. Literally one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. You’re not going to make the wrong choice. But I don’t think it’s a choice right now. I think you can see if he feels the same way and figure it out one step at a time. I’ve got your back, whatever way you decide to go.” He turned to Payal. “Better?”
Kiran smiled, though her heart still felt torn.
“We’ll support you…but I think you need to think about it,” Sonam amended. “Not because he’s a bad guy or you’re irresponsible. But because it’s so easy to go down this road in bliss and not catch yourself until you’ve reached a tough situation.”
It wasn’t like Kiran hadn’t thought about it herself—but one had a tendency to think too much when they were in a situation. She wanted validation from her best friends that she wasn’t overthinking the entire thing, but it seemed like she wasn’t thinking enough about it.
“Okay, so we keep framing Nash within the context of your family, but what about you, Kiran? What do you like about him? What makes him different?” Payal asked.
Kiran gnawed on her bottom lip, pensive, for a few seconds before she spoke. “When Nash and I met in the lobby that day, he seemed lost. Like the city was too big for him. Like he knew how immense the world was and he was too small for it. I know that sounds so crazy to sense in someone you met five seconds ago, but it was like I recognized it in myself too. And in the time that I’ve gotten to know him, it’s like he’s a corner of my life that I got to choose for myself. I didn’t think about anybody else. Inviting him to chai and all the resultant hangouts after that have felt as though they were my choices. They were decisions made for me, not for anyone else. And I liked seeing that side of myself. I’ve never gotten to before, not on this level.”
“There is a big sense of freedom when you finally stop apologizing for what you want,” Payal said.
“But at what point does that become a detriment if it hurts everyone around you?” Sonam countered.
“I wish I had an answer.” Kiran shrugged.
“Just be careful,” Sonam said.
“If you’d like my advice, I’d say sooner rather than later, you’ll have to either tell him how you feel or openly set your limits. You don’t want to hurt him either,” Akash said. “If he’s hanging out with you this much, you probably mean something to him too, and you don’t want signals to get crossed.”
“I think you should go for it,” Payal said. “You don’t do these things often, and you have mentioned that this is empowering for you.”
“You guys realize you just told me three different pieces of advice, right?” Kiran gave a small laugh.
“Obviously mine is the best,” Akash said.
The other two rolled their eyes.
Kiran shook her head as Sonam finally picked out a takeout menu for a nearby Indian place and they all began choosing their orders.
If this conversation was meant to bring clarity, it had done the exact opposite. Sonam was right: her family was always first priority and would remain that way. But Payal wasn’t wrong either; wasn’t making a choice for yourself a sign of growing up?
And Akash had brought up Nash’s feelings. Kiran was jabbed by the thought of hurting Nash if he did feel the same way she did.
Then again…she didn’t know.
She groaned inwardly, vaguely listening to Sonam recapping a news article she’d read the other day. She’d have to stay the course. When the right moment came, she’d have to trust she and Nash would figure it out.
She only hoped it would be soon.