TWELVE
Cora blinked awake, groaning and cursing at herself for forgetting to turn the ringer off. She reached over to her bedside table and grabbed her phone.
Dmitry: Guess it didn’t work out tonight. Hope you had a good week.
The simple words sent a wash of guilt through her. Shit. She’d messaged Dmitry when the game had gone back online that she’d chat with him tonight. She’d been looking forward to it. Had missed him. She’d completely forgotten.
Because she’d been with another guy. And fantasizing about men who weren’t Dmitry.
Ugh. That sounded awful when she thought about it that way.
Lenore: So sorry. Something came up last-minute.
Dmitry: It’s okay. Life happens. Ferreting out a mafia boss or just another infiltration of a drug cartel?
Cora smiled, but the layer of guilt still lingered.
Lenore: I’m posing as a woman of the night, trying to get the mafia boss to invite me into his secret lair.
Dmitry: Well, damn. I didn’t plan on killing anyone this week. I’ll add him to my list. No one gets to touch you without my permission.
Cora stared at the words. He’d said things like that to her before, and she’d taken it as joking. Part of the game. But was it, really? They’d both told each other they weren’t currently dating anyone. And though they’d never put any labels on things, this had always felt oddly exclusive. But tonight she’d gone out with another man, had gotten off to fantasies of him and his best friend, had agreed to more. Suddenly, that felt like a betrayal.
Ren had made her heart pound tonight and her body stir. It was impossible not to be affected by him. The guy was ridiculously good-looking and charming, and somehow he made her feel comfortable around him. Comfortable and . . . sexy. Desirable. But Dmitry made her feel that way, too. And she had a deeper bond with him. One based on more than simple physical attraction.
They’d never seen each other face-to-face, but they’d talked for hours, had forged a friendship—a relationship. He’d become a big part of her life these last few months. But what did that really mean?
He wasn’t real. Not really. He could be anyone. He could be putting on a show. She was doing that in her own way with how Lenore looked. She needed to remind herself of that. She wasn’t supposed to put her life on hold for something that was a game with a stranger. That’s not what this was supposed to be. So why did she feel so goddamned shitty for forgetting about him tonight?
Dmitry: Still there, L?
She scooted up her pillows, trying to shake off the thoughts and the guilt.
Lenore: Yes. Sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight, I guess.
Dmitry: Want to share with the class?
Her thumbs hovered over her phone screen, considering. She should probably keep this light, playful, stick to what they were good at. But she couldn’t help herself. Game or not. Real or not. She couldn’t lie. She and Dmitry had agreed not to share identifying details. But they’d also agreed to be nothing but honest on everything else.
Lenore: It’s been a long week. I guess I’m starting to wonder what this is.
There was a long pause.
Dmitry: This, meaning us?
Us. It sounded right in so many ways. They were an us. But it was an illusion, a relationship hack. A cheat. She wet her lips, nerves trying to overtake her.
Lenore: Yes. I know we’ve been playing a game.
Dmitry: But it feels like more than that.
She blew out a breath. So he saw it, too.
Lenore: Yes. I know that was never part of the plan.
Dmitry: It wasn’t. Doesn’t mean it’s not true. I’ve missed you like crazy this week. I realize that’s not normal with this kind of thing.
The words touched her. She’d missed him, too. She’d wanted to talk to him about the attack. She’d wanted to share with him about her new project at FoxRen. She’d ached for that kind of late-night, download-your-day chat. That kind of talk you had with your lover. But of course, she couldn’t have done those things without revealing too much. And he couldn’t have told her about his day. Not really. And therein laid the problem. He’d become the man who knew her most personal secrets but nothing about her life. They were lovers and friends and absolute strangers. And she had no idea what to do with that. She had feelings for a stranger. Dangerously real feelings.
And she’d agreed to go on a date with Ren.
She breathed through the squeezing sensation in her chest.
Lenore: I’ve missed you too.
Dmitry: I wish voice chat was working. I feel like there’s more you want to say. It’s okay, L. Tell me what’s going on.
Her throat felt tight.
Lenore: This is starting to affect real-life things and I’m not sure what to do with that.
Dmitry: Like?
Cora chewed her lip, contemplating, and then typed.
Lenore: I met a guy. Nothing’s happened yet but it feels like something could.
Dmitry: And you want it to.
Lenore: . . .
Dmitry: Honesty, L.
She exhaled, the truth heavy in her gut.
Lenore: Yes.
Dmitry: Is he dominant?
Lenore: Yes.
Nothing appeared on the screen for a good long while, her response glaring there in black and white. But finally words popped up.
Dmitry: Is he a decent guy?
Lenore: I think so.
Dmitry: That’s good, L. You deserve more than what I’m able to give you over the phone and in the game.
The response surprised her. And even though it was just print on a screen, she sensed a sadness to them. A resignation.
Lenore: But part of me feels like it’d be betraying you. That sounds a little crazy, I know. I guess I’m not good at drawing clear lines between virtual and real life.
Dmitry: If it helps, I’m so jealous of this guy I want to punch something. I’m pacing my house right now to avoid damaging a wall. I feel possessive. But it’s not fair for me to put any restrictions on you.
A warm feeling crept through her chest at that. It helped to know that he felt jealous. She wasn’t the only one who’d let the virtual bleed into real life. There were real emotions involved on both sides.
Lenore: We’re a pair, aren’t we?
Dmitry: A mess.
She let her fingers rest lightly against her phone. They’d had so many of these late-night conversations. Many had been sexual, but many others had been like this. Personal. Honest. This was what made it harder to find the boundary lines. If it were just sex, she’d be able to drop it. But somehow along the way, they’d developed more.
But she didn’t know where they went from here. They were both getting in deeper than planned and things were getting complicated. She wasn’t good at juggling. She could rationalize having a virtual-only sex life when she didn’t want to make time for dating and had no real-life prospects. But she didn’t know how she could justify shutting out real-life attraction when it fell in her lap in order to be loyal to someone she’d never get to meet. Or someone who she could meet and find they had no chemistry or that he was married or twenty years older than she was.
They were at a crossroads and the only way she could figure they could navigate it was brutal honesty. So she typed the question she’d been afraid to ask all along.
Lenore: Why do you do this?
Dmitry: Talk to you?
Lenore: No. Hayven. You seem experienced and knowledgeable and you’re funny and sexy on the phone. What’s keeping you from having a relationship in person?
Dmitry: Do you really want to go there, L? Do you want to have to answer the same question?
She frowned. They’d set up parameters early on. No real-life stuff. No identifying information. This is just a game. But she was tired of not knowing.
Lenore: I’ll answer it. I’m here because my dating life sucked. And I think I could be kinky but am terrified to try it, to risk getting involved with someone who could hurt me or take advantage of the situation or shame me for my desires. It’s hard to tell the bad guys from the good ones.
Dmitry: So you wanted to be safe.
Lenore: Yes. And I wanted to feel sexy. I’m . . .
She took a deep breath, trying to force herself to finish the words.
Lenore: just an average woman. I’m no supermodel. I don’t turn heads. And I’m no Lenore.
She closed her eyes. There. She’d finally said it. He would know. She was a fraud.
Her phone dinged.
Dmitry: Have you lied to me? In any of the conversations we’ve had. In any of the things we’ve done.
Lenore: No.
Dmitry: Then you’re just as much Lenore as you are the person the world knows. There’s nothing average about you. I see you, L. Even if I have no idea what you really look like. I see you and that’s all that matters to me.
The words brought unexpected tears to her eyes. The screen blurred and she had to blink to clear her vision. God.
Lenore: And you? Who have you shown me?
Dmitry: Me. This is the only place where I can let my guard down. You’re the only person who sees this. I’ve never lied to you. But my life is complicated and there’s no room for this part of me in it.
The words seemed so final, so . . . sad.
Lenore: Why?
Dmitry: That’s one of those things I can’t answer. And it’s the reason that I can’t tell you not to go out with this guy. You deserve to be taken on dates and touched and cared for. You deserve more than this.
Lenore: And you don’t?
There was another long pause.
Dmitry: I know we’re not playing tonight, but I’m going to give you a command. You ready?
Cora didn’t feel ready at all. A cold feeling was creeping through her. But what else could she say?
Lenore: Okay.
Dmitry: You’re going to be careful and smart. But you’re going to tell this guy yes. And you’re not going to think about me. Or feel guilty. Don’t waste that emotion on me. You’re going to go and live your life in the real world. You’re ready for that. You are kinky. Embrace that. And when you find a deserving guy, your submission will be a gift and he’ll be the luckiest bastard around.
Her throat tightened and she started to type, her thumbs moving quickly over the screen, but his next response came up before she could finish.
Dmitry: You’ll never have any idea what you’ve given me these last few months. There aren’t words. But I can’t and won’t let this keep you from living your life. Or even distract you from it.
She shook her head but her fingers were frozen against her phone.
Dmitry: I’m releasing you, L.
The simple words were like a linebacker hitting her chest, knocking the air from her. She didn’t know what to say or how to react. He was releasing her. He was letting her go. All the months of talking to him almost every night, of having this secret relationship, this respite. And he was ending it.
She forced her fingers to move.
Lenore: This is because I’m not a supermodel, right?
She’d meant it to be snarky, her defenses trying to rally in the face of this unexpected blow. But he was silent for a long time and she started to wonder if that was the truth. Maybe he was trying to find a graceful way to bail now that he knew she was just an average girl. Maybe he was trying to feed her some bullshit to make himself look self-sacrificing. She was working herself up into a righteous anger by the time his response came.
Dmitry: No. This is because you deserve more than this. And because I don’t get to fall for a girl like you.
Her whole body stilled.
Lenore: Don’t walk away like this. We don’t have to stop talking.
Dmitry: No, we really do. Take care of yourself, L. And don’t settle. You’re worthy of devotion. I wish I could be there to give you mine.
Tears slipped down her face and she started to respond but a message came up instead.
Dmitry has signed out.
The notification on the screen popped up so innocently. Four simple words. And that was that. The end. Have a nice life.
Good-bye.
I don’t get to fall for a girl like you.
He’d typed the words, but she could have just as easily reversed them.
Because part of her had already fallen for him. And now he was gone.
With numb fingers, she tossed her phone aside and sank back into her pillows, feeling hollowed out and lost. She’d gone online to protect herself, to save herself the trouble of relationships, and all she’d done was set herself up for another fall.
A real one this time.
She’d just gotten her heart broken by a guy she’d never even laid eyes on.